chink in my armour

I think I'm faulty.
Not full of cheer right now. I still laugh, but my foundation mood is still unhappiness and anger.
I'm unhappy with myself and the things that happen not-nicely around me, and also some people who have the power to piss you off without much trying.

I've been intentionally ignoring God deliberately forgetting that He exists. I haven't been talking to Him, or even reading His Word. I lent my Bible to my sister, in the hope that she'll understand my views right now, but it isn't an excuse for me to 'take a break from God'. This isn't the way things should be, but I'm still not that keen on changing. I'm disgusting.

I wish I could have worked out more and live this short life much better.
My choice of CCA has come back to haunt me. I somewhat should have known what I was heading into when I joined TKD a year ago. The good bits from it are in bit-sizes, and much of what I get from TKD is frustration and a lousy way to spend me mondays and wednesdays.
CCA should be a small portion of College life; I don't understand why do those buggers want to blow it up and exceed the proportions that it should have been.
Thank God its only one year.
Will have to fork out more precious time to stifle the call-backs of the EXCO.
Screw it. (them actually)

What's next that's upsetting me? Romance? I don't have a proper romance to speak of. I have dreams of romance, rather. I'm a Piscean, maybe that's why. People like to speculate that I have a thing for a certain someone. She is an amazing girl and I admit I'm fond of her. But even if my affections were larger, it isn't enough for me to enter a relationship with her (or anyone).
I've seen many examples of childish relationships of others and mine too. No thanks.
And there are also sweet females that intrigue and attract me. I'm a frivolous sucker.

My idea of a relationship-romance, fun, laughter, closeness and if there could be, God and love. Can there? The last bit is the thing that holds me down. Dreamt of my idea yesterday. Held on to that dream and used it to get to sleep last night. It was with my eyecandy. My subconscious is going nuts. Have never spoken to her before and the closest I ever got near her, was the distance with a medium sized fat arse in between. So how did she feature?
And I think the girls I am attracted to all have something in common. I'm trying to understand what.
But its nice to have a someone to think about.
Well, saying the above hasn't changed my surliness.

I want more time to myself so that I can train, sleep more, watch Scrubs, surf the Internet, train somemore, and be away from the scum that makes my stay on Earth unpleasureable. The road race has reminded me that while I'm getting in shape nicely, it still isn't enough and what I want. Will need to push myself more, even though it will feel shitty when I do that.

What lulls me to sleep?
Ans: 2 fantasies.
One of them is involving smashing the face of one of the guys who made my primary school life unpleasant into the canteen table during peak human traffic flow, and then slapping his face on one side more than the other. I think tonight I want to add the new bit of dragging him by his nose after I've broken it along the length of the canteen. I can imagine Ms Lai telling me I did the right thing by exacting justice on behalf on some of my other primary school friends. : )

The other is where I hold hands forever with my eyecandy and we share a blissful moment of intimacy (sorry, nothing sexual, just emotional closeness) on the highest floor of BLK 626 which I was at yesterday with Derek, where the view is really pretty.

I'm still somewhat angry, but I'm hoping that it'll go away soon. Now, I just need some moron to set me off so I have a reason to go ballistic. Release is healthier than keeping it in. I hope its that guy from Pri Sch. And no, I don't need anger management.

What I need:

meet the love of my life
a serious relationship with God
smooth academic progress
the mysterious absences of several irritating people
unexplained sudden hypertrophy
carebears to descend onto humanity and beam us with their infectious love

Parting shot:
I don't think Dodos are extinct. Look around us, there're so many of them strutting about.