It's pretty startling to note how quickly time slips when you stop noticing.
I've staved off writing here for more than 10 weeks, which on hindsight, now seemed much shorter than they were while I was living through them.

The agony and the injury were fresh then, but now that they've gone faint, they've also gotten distant. This is the kind of time where we document what we've lived through as the primary precautiounary measure against forgetfulness.

In being pious in journaling, there's a lot of value in marking out the progress and as well as the peaks and troughs in the period. So I use my sketchbook and document (active).

Today was uneventful, lest for a scenic 9 kilometre run in the morning that I was reluctant to put any effort into at first. Later, my muscles and mind grew warm to the idea of such a run, and with good companions, good rhythm and stride, it went really well.

I re-learned that taxis are valued for their speed, and the recompense for such speed is cost.
However, when the expressway is jammed, there is little speed but the cost still rises exponentially, as well as my anxiety and rapid eye movement (REM) from all places to the taxi meter.

I'm trying to hold on to the dreamy, happy feeling incurred early this week that I know won't endure and I'm plugging the leak with romantic films and poor copies of romance.

Finally stole the chance to watch 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' and I think that it has been underrated, because I like the element of the male lead improving and changing and earning a good romance.

Would like to go in a parallel direction, though I think that the world outside of a theatre screen is less predictable and formulaic.

Otherwise, I'm faring badly in diet, sleep and prayer. Going to remmedy all of them now.

I am in need of a Civilian Conversion Course, now that after almost 3 weeks in SAFTI MI, and all I know now is the inside of an army camp.

I very much need a break from the tempo and culture of military life and to turn back into the lazy civilian.

I am told that my book-out, which is a regular dose of happy pill that must be taken (much like an antibiotic) is pushed back to Sunday the 12th.

This comes as a mighty blow to my person, but I am slightly cheered by the promise of being let out again. It will be a week-end/start of sequels.

Where I have squeezed out some minutes to write, I will not waste those minutes.

First, a decent quote:

It was a high counsel that I once heard given to a young person, "Always do what you are afraid to do."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The next thing to do is act on this wisdom.

*

Next, what I have learnt.
It took me some time to learn this, that Christians were never meant to stand alone, or remain cut off from each other, and that we were not to be angry at, or be in conflict.

To be united in Christ is something that was plain, but yet I could miss. It took Solomon and Ryan in BMTC to educate me about this; that although we had different knowledge, progress and growth, we all looked to Christ and put our hope and trust in Him.

Romans 15:5-7

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Romans 15: 13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

My learnings from the above were that our highest goal is to praise, worship and glorify God and to give supremacy to His Son, Jesus Christ whom He delighted in giving headship and authority over all of us to.

That we must pray actively and constantly for things, even the things we presume will be given to us naturally, like our daily bread.

Always give thanks, and always remember that God is with us.
God being with us has many implications, and that our conduct and attitude and speech have all got to do with how we are with God.

My second learning was that Scripture is rich and that even with the same words, we must bear in mind that the Word of God is living and very applicable.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

In short I need to watch myself and rein in my conduct and be ready for when I am almost at my breaking point and the real selfish, unlovely me surfaces.

On romance, I would like one, but it should be lasting and sincere and committed.
Strangely, not as keen on one now, but missing the support and concern from one.

I feel less inclined to love, and though I still must, I realize that while people are being difficult it is primarily me that refuses to be kind or understanding, and it is my temper that is put to the test.

It is always our response and subsequent action in a hard situation that matters to God, and the response and action indicates our level of strength.

I had a poor showing in the situations I was in today and before I saw it for what it really was (my small test), and it is something I need to work on.
I forgot the basic truths I learnt and leapt into my mistakes.

It exposed my weaknesses and showed me how easily I could be swayed, and that a neglect in spending time in prayer to realign myself opened me up very quickly.

I have to get up and moving and accept correction, and keep striving to keep in step, not giving up in my striving for it is very much this that God is looking at.

I get mad easily, at silliness and at slowness. Today while getting away from SFT, my companion was so bent on getting a taxi, he wanted to walk with the supremely heavy load until he reached a junction.

Because I spent my younger years with my cousins cycling or simply walking along the stretching leading up to and beyond the Ferry Terminal, I knew that it was too far to walk and I pressed them to take Bus no. 9 with me and took some delight at highlighting my intelligence and stressing on his stupidity.

I was again hyper-aware afterward that what I felt at being right was a break from the behaviour that my faith is supposed to bring about in me.

I find surprisingly that it's easier now for me to go on doing things that I don't feel like doing, like washing an item that requires a lot of work and time while I am weary.

My mind protests at the offensive chore, but my hands and the rest of my body are already on it.
This is a useful skill, and maybe I've really built up some steel within me.

Dare I say that Army has made me disciplined and self-reliant?
I am loathe to give so much credit to them, for after all, they have endangered my health and sanity and cost me 13 pounds of mass, 4 of which I barely managed to gain back.

They starve and stress me and deprive me, and I am injured by this treatment.
But then again, this is the military and if they apply tenderness and do not expose their soldiers to discomfort, then we wouldn't be a fighting force, would we?

They probably just recalled the dormant discipline acquired in my uniformed group that I laid aside the moment I assumed a leadership role in upper secondary.

This self-reliance is mostly probably a nicer name for when I do not trust other people to do things for me and prefer to do it myself.

Because of my stint in Basic Military Training and with my particular/ peculiar company, I'm fully prepared for command school and further "ill-treatment". I have been priming myself for difficult times ahead, and will be sustained by my faith, my family and friends, the hope of a real romance, and continuous griping.
I don't like it very much, but I would carry on.

I discover I have almost adapted to being pummelled in excess with rough treatment, but I absolutely cannot stand poor planning in the aspect of programme and also the failure to lead by example.

If you are unable, or unwilling to conform to the similar requests you dole out to your men, you are not an adequate commander. Your men serve alongside you, and you need to show them that you can do what you ask of them.
Your willingness will induce their willingness to comply.
On hindsight, cooperation is more appropriate a term than compliance.

I noticed that the chain of command is also a food-chain, where the higher-ups snap at their subordinates more often than we thought.

I think that there comes a time where the truth is not believed, but thought to be a lie. Things like, "I do not have a girlfriend" or "I have never kissed a girl", or something along those lines. Try it; when you get to a certain point, you are thought to be executing a good joke.

I like to capture beauty in this space, and Allison Stokke is a good-looker, and although I am stunned when I see her, I will do well to remember that the heart being beautiful is a better prize than the surface appearance. The real indication of good health is a kind, loving and gracious heart.

She is an American pole vaulter from Orange County, California, both athletic and beautiful.





There were some people who were pretty rude toward me, I noticed. They need to have more respect for beautiful people.

God looks out for me regardless, and He gave me an extra sausage and egg at breakfast on Friday when Xiao Wei gave his hard-boiled oval brown chicken egg to me. It was important for my body to absorb good quality protein, seeing that good old nutrition is hard to come by in camp, no matter what the food people claim.

I am to write a short piece on the four defining moments in my Basic Military Training phase, and I thought I'd do it here, before extracting it and then giving it to my officer.

Four Defining Moments

My first comment would be that, it is hard to point out/pull out any single sharp moment where I can hold it to be precisely when I felt was most edifying for my person.

I find that the whole process is affecting, and myself at the end of it, is a positive product of what I've gone through.

It has been observed most people appreciate honesty, and so I will first list the instance at "stand two" during evening where I was proning in my shell scrape and feeling like a baby, as one. While trying to keep looking through the scope of my rifle, I felt really lousy then, because out-field, the low levels of comfort were a blow to the bum that I was.

This was the second day of field camp and I was the Platoon I/C. The mud and sand and the wetness, and the hunger and the stress and homesickness had gotten to me, and I realized that my mental strength was insufficient and I was not as tough as I supposed or liked to be.

The responsibility as Platoon I/C anchored me and I gathered the parts of me that were not so weak and pushed on, learning quickly that striving for comfort is foolish, but becoming indifferent to discomfort is key.

I imagine most people would claim that being handed their rifle is a defining moment, but I think for me, firing the rifle was a positive defining moment. I began by being afraid of the rifle, because I was hyper-aware that it could kill, and although this apprehension dimed when I grew familiar with the weapon, live firing called it out again.

It was firing the weapon that made me even more sensitive to the fact that I was a soldier, and that I was to shoot at my enemy and injure or destroy him. All the foolery before was insignificant when lined up next to this. What we were doing was real and serious, and all of it led up to this.

The other moment was being called to use the branches and leaves to adorn ourselves and then lying on the forest floor in field craft. Apart from being pleasantly surprised at the effectiveness of our pixelized uniform, it was a important skill to acquire to boost my survivability in future. It was also extremely fun.

I gleaned that in a team with a mutual end-objective, only joint progress is valid. The moments from which I learned this are numerous and many of them involved my palms supporting my body from the floor.

This was the case in fire drill or any settings where we failed to meet timings given.
Individual responsibilty in addition to contributing to the larger outfit was something precious that would spare us muscle soreness and result in the objective being achieved.

Feelings are unrealiable, and if I base decisions and actions by how I feel at the moment, I am setting myself up for either regret, disaster or both.

The fuzzy feeling which I thought I had and I like, and we popularly call love is a misnomer. Yet many people rush into big things like marriage on basis of such feelings, and then wonder how come the amazing thing they had going on before fell apart.

I am more aware that I'm looking for that feeling all over again, looking to be satisfied with some kind of flare that will light up for a bit, but will short out later.

I'm hoping that there might be a female that will captivate, entrance me and occupy all of my thoughts and fill up my waking-sleeping moments.

And I realise quickly that this is wrong and should not be the case.
I should not be exalting a woman to the status of a goddess, and have her take hold of all my thoughts, occupying the highest position in my life no matter how desirable she is.

And our definition of desirable is a faulty human one. When the virtuous woman is placed next to the vixen, temptress our fiercely wild hearts inclines towards the second woman.

In the second woman, she has the flavour of animality and that the base, carnal man wants-I will begin to quote C.S. Lewis-she is the "type which he desires brutally, and desires to desire brutally, a type best used to draw him away from marriage altogether but which even within marriage, he would tend to treat as a slave, an idol, or an accomplice".

The woman is very precious, and all the pornography and the flaunting of sexuality in the media simply devalues her, as well as BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) turns her into an object in which we expend all our lust.

This ugliness appeals to us as erotic and causes our hearts to leap, which in rare moments of sanity and clear vision should really be recognized for being gross and evil.

There are many times while I am training that I wish I could somehow capture, retain, bottle up the moment and/or the view that is laid before me.

The jokes and the laughs are wonderful, but their quality and familiarity fades as time goes on, and there is little allowance to hold on to them.

I have forgotten a great deal of things, and I pray that when I have a quiet moment, God will remind me of the things that matter.

*

When I lean back and try to ignore the sandflies, I look out for the crescent moon.

During field camp, I looked to the moon-"the lesser light" according to Scripture-as my lamp; because in the expansive darkness, which can be severely unsettling even for myself, my lighter and the flickering blue line of my torch is useless.

For me the moon brings comfort, and is a firm reminder of God being close, real, and with me.

Under the moon, I prayed together with Ryan and Solomon, and I am grateful for God's arrangement in having them with me, in giving me Christian support.

I also learnt that prayer is suitable for all times and we must not stall in consulting God.

I prayed that my week would be one which God would be actively involved in, and He answered out of His loving mercy, providing me with numerous blessings that would seem ordinary if I were not paying attention.

I need to appreciate the things God has arranged in my favour, that I do not know of.

Our need for our mothers is so strong. On a long trip, she will be the one we miss first; and hers is the voice that will still us when we are unsettled, her food will be the most satisfying, and her care will be most complete.

When I viewed Spielberg's "Saving Private Ryan", it doesn't surprise me that the mortally wounded soldiers are baying for their mothers, because it is the comforting love from their mothers that they received right from they were nursed and up to even beyond adulthood that they desperately need.

I believe we'll never be weaned off this reliance on our mothers.

The handphone is a luxury item, that I found myself craving for even though I supposed I was fine without it. In increasing our comfort, we subscribe to peculiar habits.

I keep my sketchbook, which is my prayer journal, gym log and thoughts-book all in one close-by, and scribble on it whenever something comes to me.

I know my friend wears his shirt from home to sleep, and I think it's a way he can mimic the comfort from there.

I am very hasty this weekend and must slow down, but I cannot seem to.

My sister provided the push for me to post, saying that staving off writing would blunt my wit, because the Army suspends your intellect.

I've learned experientially several things from the past 2 weeks, and the first of which was that:
Striving for comfort is foolish; becoming indifferent to discomfort is key.

The next that I posit would be that: only joint progress i.e. in a team is valid.

I was accurate in predicting that Field Camp would be horrid, but it exceeded even those expectations I had.
But I grew even though the conditions were unfriendly and though it was by far the worst week I had lived through, it was one that was very important to my person.

I discovered that my mental strength was found wanting, and that I was not as tough as I supposed I was.

*
But all in all, I discovered that God was faithful and stedfast, and so very near. He comforted and counselled me in my distress and He provided me with support from fellow Christians around me right there in the field and strengthened me.
He fed me when I was hungry and he gave me down time when I was ill.
He had me meet my friends from Karate on Friday, which I was hoping to but thought I missed.

I must learn to recognize and appreciate His numerous blessings.

I am still learning to slow down and listen to Him, and behave the way He leads me to, in being patient and gentle, and not brusque or brash which is the typical Song Leng-fashion.

I discovered that my need for Him is so great, that apart from Him, I can do nothing.
He is in us, He is with us, and in Him, only in Him we are strong. Are we with Him?

It was with this I held onto throughout the past week-
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:11-12

I am pleased with this book-out because I procured a new cell-phone, and added to my small library of Christian literature C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and The Screwtape Letters.

I cooked and savoured my dish of pork chops,
managed to go to the gym,
and then caught a movie with my beloved Derek.

I met friends whom I wanted to see but couldn't, and sat and talked with them, almost like I used to.
Can I say I have not lived under His blessing?

*
In reflecting, I must constantly ask myself who is Jesus to me? (1)
Have I grown in the past month, and have I learnt? (2)

Good and bad things happen to me; do they propel me towards God? (3)

Do I mock Christ by continuing in, and to sin, or because of His love for me, throw myself fully onto Him? (4)

*
On another note, I find that real love is not concerned with beauty.
Love does not mind, but instead it takes in and encompasses all offences and gives back affection, care and everything good.

I realize that parents are often distinguished by their children.
I'm pleasantly surprised because Christ wins glory for His Father.

The Christian life is one of vigilance and obedience.
"Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
(Mark 14:38)

While many times I do not feel like, when I am neither awake or energized, I must pursue God.

I must not give in to my selfish desires and sin, but instead stay guarded, conscious and sensitive to their destructiveness.

Lastly, in my pro-Christian writings, I do not aim to bruise, but instead seek to freely express my beliefs about Divinity. Pray, do not take offense at my words but consider their validity.