It's been over 12 hours that I haven't actually texted her. Feels weird.Her last reply was at 09:12:30.
I got really grouchy today. The day didn't seem as bright or nice as it was.Lost my temper at a bunch of Boys outside the office who really were making a lotta noise while they were shifting the hampers for BBSGB. Probably from Victoria School or what. I think I kinda startled the officers and primers with my appearance to reprimand them.But it was an office and they were really annoying. And I wasn't in the best of moods.
A silver lining was that I saw a Boy I trained. Can I say I trained him? I didn't really imparted anything consciously to him. I was his RSM at his Leadership Development Course 2. The only thing I probably did was to set myself up as a model for him to look up to. But I saw him take charge as RSM for SGB and I felt quite glad that he was doing well, and that I've become a person that he and his fellows remember. They've been through the Song Leng experience. Ah, the privileged few.
Most of the time though (or rest of the time), I felt like wringing somebody's neck. I think I'm strong enough to crush somebody's windpipe now.Several phonecalls doused my mood heavily too.
There was this man that was demanding and yet in an entirely unconvincing piteous voice, asked me to get the Ops Room to send over his hamper for him while he somehow just couldn't speak to them, and wanted me to do it on his behalf. He called me, and wanted me to call him back, but didn't put down the phone, and was still on the line. So I kept getting hold of him, and he made a retort that sounded something like, '...simple thing also cannot do...'. When I called him, he tried to sound like he was in a poor state and wanted help, but didn't want to do it himself. I can think of more drastic words deeper than 'irritating' to describe him.
Other calls were people who didn't receive their hampers and were rightly asking for them unabashedly.I mean. These people are receiving public assistance and help from us. They don't know the meaning of gratitude, whatever language they speak, hokkien, mandarin or muffled gibberish. Can't stand it.
Rosalind said that every year, there's this beneficiary, an old woman would personally come to our HQ and demand that she be allowed to CHOOSE the food items that we're giving her. She wants a choice of brand of rice, milo and canned food, and she called us uncooperative and all when we deny her. I was shocked when Rosalind told me this....
We are not obliged to assist them, and we can actually not have the Sharity Gift Box. The BB's been around for 77 years, but the SGB is only 20 years old. It's not an easy thing, doing the SGB. I see the officers in charge slogging to see the project through here in the Brigade Office. And these people treat our grace like its their birthright.
All we actually want is appreciation and civility. And these things aren't in place only if you're better of in riches or in intellect.
Singapore should start celebrating Thanksgiving. Maybe it would drill in them a morsel of decent gratitude.
This is probably parallel to how we ignore the graces of God and His numerous blessings that are muted or dimmed, by the distractions of the world. On some level, we're also like those ungrateful people. We might know that our successes are God-given, but we choose not to acknowledge Him, or give glory to Him, but instead credit ourselves.
A lesson to learn.
Even so, I'm getting affected easily by these people. Ungrateful, demanding pricks who are disadvantaged, but doing pretty much nothing to lift themselves out of their plight by their own hand. The man caused me to make a mistake writing the cheque that I was issuing. And it was a thousand dollar plus thingie. Stupid. Soured me greatly for the most of the afternoon.I realise that there is some truth to my personality profile. I can't stand stupid people.
A nicer way would be to say that I can't stand people whom I think are beneath me in intellect. But what's the difference? They're still dull. And that severely repugnates me.
Love your neighbour? Not easy.
On the way home at 359, studied these two women behind me. Lousy conversationalist. The first was only concerned with hearing her own voice throughout and her companion just gave up when the idiot didn't let her speak at all, and instead kept rambling on. Stupid people.Ah, I'm being nasty. But, can't help it.
Saw a girl that kept looking over. Don't recognise her. Not sure if she was the girl that called out to me on Saturday, saying she was Lisa. Didn't look like her also. I mean, if that's really her, I've only got this to say: she's grown up fine. But still, the two persons don't really click. Haha. Sorry, if my compliment doesn't come across nicely.
At least Sern Khoon's direction about the Holy Spirit was especially enlightening and useful. Solved most of my problems with Church(es) and all. The kinda confirmation that I was waiting from above. I just need another. Will expound on what Sern Khoon advised next time.
These few days will be unpleasant.
Please come back soon.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
It's a rotten feeling. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
No more left-over joy from the previous good week to fuel the waves of misery that December brings. Fed up of temporal happiness.
I'm also seeing the things that are wrong with the world, and it isn't very helpful in lifting my mood. Wrong with people and happenings.
Or it could be that I'm just tired.
Like I told Megan, I'm grumpy. But now, its contorted into grumpy magnified. And also because of new and more troubling reasons. (Megan, you should be happy there's mention of you).
I've been waiting for so many confirmations, and most of me is restless and impatient. Need signs to be clear. Very few of them are.
Still unsure over the certainty of baptism in the Holy Spirit. Have been reading up a lot on this.Speaking in tongues is but one indication of a sure baptism. Came to Christian Evangelism, Healing and Teaching Resources, and I agree with the writer's opinion on how to recognise disciples in Christ.
"The Bible never tells us to look for supernatural manifestations as evidence that a person is saved...
Passages such as Romans 12:4-8, 1 Corinthians 12:7-11, 27-31, and Ephesians 4:11-12 tell us that every Christian is a member of the body of Christ and receives one or more gifts of the Spirit.
Notice that if a person is truly able to operate in a gift of the Spirit then this is evidence that the person is saved, because the Holy Spirit and His gifts are only given to Christians (based on the passages which we have seen).
These passages tell us what we should look for in order to recognize true disciples of Christ:
John 13:34:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
John 13:35: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
John 15:7: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
John 15:8: "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."
1 John 2:5: "But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:"
1 John 2:6: "Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."
1 John 3:10: "This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother."
1 John 3:11: "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another."
1 John 3:14: "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death."
1 John 3:18: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:19: "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence"
1 John 3:24: "Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."
1 John 4:1: "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world."
1 John 4:2: "This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,"
1 John 4:3: "but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world."
1 John 4:13: "We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit."
1 John 4:14: "And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world."
1 John 4:15: "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God."
1 John 4:16: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."
In the above passages we are specifically told that we can recognize Jesus' true disciples by their "fruit." This is described as being obedience to God's commands, acknowledging that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who has come in the flesh, and exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit (e.g. Galatians 5:22-23) by loving each other with actions and in truth. These are the things that we are told to look for as evidence that a person has received salvation"
I concur. Maybe I'm becoming too much of a thinking radical. Is that good?
And I was blog-surfing a bit and saw Dawn's sister's blog.
I really like what she said.
If God had a refrigerator, your picture will be on it.
God speaks through our dreams. I had a really disturbing one.
Was driving an army tank in a very weird environment. I was in the tank on a high ground, and my tank ran over an ancient chinese tomb. And it opened up.
Drove a bit away and came to the edge of the high ground, and saw a whole valley of tombs. And they all started to open up.
Then the dream changed, and I was shooting at 2 men who were coming to arrest me. I shot and killed them. And then I got shot, and I fell, and pretended to die.
When I got up, I looked in the mirror and realised that most of my back was shot away...
Symbolism? 3 tombs, 2 deaths, me getting injured. Makes little sense. Unless it means that something shitty is going to happen and there will be 2 deaths and I will be grievously harmed. Mm. An optimistic prophecy.
Tired of working and ritualistic living. A 9 to 6 job isn't that nice and inviting anymore. Dread working life when I get older. Lets see, you wake up at 7 plus to go to work, it starts at 9 and lasts til 6. You get home or wherever you wanna get to at 7 plus again. If you value sleep, that means you should shut down at 11 plus. That leaves me a window duration between 7 and 11 to work out, have pure unadulterated fun and pay attention to your loved one. 4 hours.
Come to think of it. School isn't bad.
At least you can cheat a bit, and the hours are shorter.
Still got lots of undone homework that I both don't want to go back to, but also don't have time to go back to. Really want a magical solution to all these problems. They will come back to haunt me.
This Christmas doesn't seem that Christmasy anymore. Bright lights and songs don't make it festive. Maybe some snow and chimneys will strengthen the quality of Christmas. I think that the story about Christmas losing its magic and nobody believing in Santa Claus thing has already come true.
The simple joys of Christmas have almost been lost.
I have just one fantasy left that features Christmas heavily. If it comes to fruition, I suspect a major chunk of all my unhappiness will vanish for good. But hardly. Confirmation is slow from above. Then again, it probably isn't due yet, no matter how impatient I get.
But on the depressing side, troubles will slip and go and go away, and new ones will come in to take their place. Poetic.
Wasn't expecting to write so much. But I probably am so deadened, that I need to outsource some of my misery. Alas, it is a rare emotional low that I'm at now. Forgive me.
No more left-over joy from the previous good week to fuel the waves of misery that December brings. Fed up of temporal happiness.
I'm also seeing the things that are wrong with the world, and it isn't very helpful in lifting my mood. Wrong with people and happenings.
Or it could be that I'm just tired.
Like I told Megan, I'm grumpy. But now, its contorted into grumpy magnified. And also because of new and more troubling reasons. (Megan, you should be happy there's mention of you).
I've been waiting for so many confirmations, and most of me is restless and impatient. Need signs to be clear. Very few of them are.
Still unsure over the certainty of baptism in the Holy Spirit. Have been reading up a lot on this.Speaking in tongues is but one indication of a sure baptism. Came to Christian Evangelism, Healing and Teaching Resources, and I agree with the writer's opinion on how to recognise disciples in Christ.
"The Bible never tells us to look for supernatural manifestations as evidence that a person is saved...
Passages such as Romans 12:4-8, 1 Corinthians 12:7-11, 27-31, and Ephesians 4:11-12 tell us that every Christian is a member of the body of Christ and receives one or more gifts of the Spirit.
Notice that if a person is truly able to operate in a gift of the Spirit then this is evidence that the person is saved, because the Holy Spirit and His gifts are only given to Christians (based on the passages which we have seen).
These passages tell us what we should look for in order to recognize true disciples of Christ:
John 13:34:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
John 13:35: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
John 15:7: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
John 15:8: "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."
1 John 2:5: "But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:"
1 John 2:6: "Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."
1 John 3:10: "This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother."
1 John 3:11: "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another."
1 John 3:14: "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death."
1 John 3:18: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."
1 John 3:19: "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence"
1 John 3:24: "Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."
1 John 4:1: "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world."
1 John 4:2: "This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,"
1 John 4:3: "but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world."
1 John 4:13: "We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit."
1 John 4:14: "And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world."
1 John 4:15: "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God."
1 John 4:16: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."
In the above passages we are specifically told that we can recognize Jesus' true disciples by their "fruit." This is described as being obedience to God's commands, acknowledging that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who has come in the flesh, and exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit (e.g. Galatians 5:22-23) by loving each other with actions and in truth. These are the things that we are told to look for as evidence that a person has received salvation"
I concur. Maybe I'm becoming too much of a thinking radical. Is that good?
And I was blog-surfing a bit and saw Dawn's sister's blog.
I really like what she said.
If God had a refrigerator, your picture will be on it.
God speaks through our dreams. I had a really disturbing one.
Was driving an army tank in a very weird environment. I was in the tank on a high ground, and my tank ran over an ancient chinese tomb. And it opened up.
Drove a bit away and came to the edge of the high ground, and saw a whole valley of tombs. And they all started to open up.
Then the dream changed, and I was shooting at 2 men who were coming to arrest me. I shot and killed them. And then I got shot, and I fell, and pretended to die.
When I got up, I looked in the mirror and realised that most of my back was shot away...
Symbolism? 3 tombs, 2 deaths, me getting injured. Makes little sense. Unless it means that something shitty is going to happen and there will be 2 deaths and I will be grievously harmed. Mm. An optimistic prophecy.
Tired of working and ritualistic living. A 9 to 6 job isn't that nice and inviting anymore. Dread working life when I get older. Lets see, you wake up at 7 plus to go to work, it starts at 9 and lasts til 6. You get home or wherever you wanna get to at 7 plus again. If you value sleep, that means you should shut down at 11 plus. That leaves me a window duration between 7 and 11 to work out, have pure unadulterated fun and pay attention to your loved one. 4 hours.
Come to think of it. School isn't bad.
At least you can cheat a bit, and the hours are shorter.
Still got lots of undone homework that I both don't want to go back to, but also don't have time to go back to. Really want a magical solution to all these problems. They will come back to haunt me.
This Christmas doesn't seem that Christmasy anymore. Bright lights and songs don't make it festive. Maybe some snow and chimneys will strengthen the quality of Christmas. I think that the story about Christmas losing its magic and nobody believing in Santa Claus thing has already come true.
The simple joys of Christmas have almost been lost.
I have just one fantasy left that features Christmas heavily. If it comes to fruition, I suspect a major chunk of all my unhappiness will vanish for good. But hardly. Confirmation is slow from above. Then again, it probably isn't due yet, no matter how impatient I get.
But on the depressing side, troubles will slip and go and go away, and new ones will come in to take their place. Poetic.
Wasn't expecting to write so much. But I probably am so deadened, that I need to outsource some of my misery. Alas, it is a rare emotional low that I'm at now. Forgive me.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
This is a touching story that I received:
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.
There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me.
I was so embarrassed.
How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, 'EEEE, your mom only has one eye!'
I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
I confronted her that day and said, ' If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?'
My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.
I walked out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my
mother came to visit me.
She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren.
When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, 'How dare you come to my house and scare my children!'
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!'
And to this, my mother quietly answered, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,' and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.
So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.
My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.
My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and
scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were
growing up.
You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and
lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you
having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
With all my love to you,
Your mother.
Always tell someone that you love them because you never know what day will be their last, or your own.
Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but will never find closure. And closure usually brings peace...
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.
There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me.
I was so embarrassed.
How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, 'EEEE, your mom only has one eye!'
I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
I confronted her that day and said, ' If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?'
My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.
I walked out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my
mother came to visit me.
She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her grandchildren.
When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, 'How dare you come to my house and scare my children!'
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!'
And to this, my mother quietly answered, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,' and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.
So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity.
My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.
My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and
scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were
growing up.
You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and
lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you
having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
With all my love to you,
Your mother.
Always tell someone that you love them because you never know what day will be their last, or your own.
Always seek to resolve your problems or disagreements with loved ones because if either of you should pass on before, the one who is left alive will have the rest of their life to ponder those unresolved feelings but will never find closure. And closure usually brings peace...
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I've sorted out the mess internally. Talking to Jesus is a fantastic solution.
Was drifting online trying to gain some eminent guidance on the problems that were common to all those that chase after God.
I'm probably gonna bore people with this 'preachy' expounding of my inner musings, but I don't really care. Not intending to sound like a saint. Though that seems like a good direction. But, hypocritical.
Realised that we are put through life as a process so that we might be ready for the finale (end times) that God has in store for us. Bits of my life that God made me live through comes together to fit into a grand plan that will mould me into the kind of person He needs to carry out His plan.
Some things came to mind.
What does following God really mean? This is a literal question and also a implication question that is worth thinking through. Jesus' said, "take up the cross and follow Me."
Are we able to do that?
We aren't able to do that right now. But God is putting us through life so that we will be able to, and not necessarily just at the end. Going through difficulties will be applicable and important at the end.
We need to talk and share our lives daily and moment by moment with Jesus and God. (Prayer).
We need to draw nearer to Jesus Christ and take on His character as our own. As the apostle Paul says, "imitate me, as I also imitate Christ". (1 Corinthians).
And in this we can glorify God and honour him if our actions and behaviours are not unbecoming.
This is a solid reason not to use the F-word.
But we have to take time to work all the unworthiness out of our life, just like how the body heals, with the exception of Claire Bennett, Peter Petrelli and Adam Monroe.
We need to love God with all our strength, and also we need to love everyone around us. The second one is the harder, I think. There are always people we dislike, can't stand being in their company and so on, loving them seems impossible. I for one, cannot stand people who are stupid, or who I think are stupider than me, and still do fiercely loathe people for things they did significantly to me years ago. And I think I have a mental list of those people. I'm not exactly loving towards them. This must change. But the problem is, I still want to slap them.
The above might not have been good English-
But anyways. Yep, we have to slowly model our lives in the way that is becoming of Christians and people of and in God, and we need to look out for other people and their interests and respect them.
I've started to cleanse my system. I hope this does have some effect on you all.
Amen.
Was drifting online trying to gain some eminent guidance on the problems that were common to all those that chase after God.
I'm probably gonna bore people with this 'preachy' expounding of my inner musings, but I don't really care. Not intending to sound like a saint. Though that seems like a good direction. But, hypocritical.
Realised that we are put through life as a process so that we might be ready for the finale (end times) that God has in store for us. Bits of my life that God made me live through comes together to fit into a grand plan that will mould me into the kind of person He needs to carry out His plan.
Some things came to mind.
What does following God really mean? This is a literal question and also a implication question that is worth thinking through. Jesus' said, "take up the cross and follow Me."
Are we able to do that?
We aren't able to do that right now. But God is putting us through life so that we will be able to, and not necessarily just at the end. Going through difficulties will be applicable and important at the end.
We need to talk and share our lives daily and moment by moment with Jesus and God. (Prayer).
We need to draw nearer to Jesus Christ and take on His character as our own. As the apostle Paul says, "imitate me, as I also imitate Christ". (1 Corinthians).
And in this we can glorify God and honour him if our actions and behaviours are not unbecoming.
This is a solid reason not to use the F-word.
But we have to take time to work all the unworthiness out of our life, just like how the body heals, with the exception of Claire Bennett, Peter Petrelli and Adam Monroe.
We need to love God with all our strength, and also we need to love everyone around us. The second one is the harder, I think. There are always people we dislike, can't stand being in their company and so on, loving them seems impossible. I for one, cannot stand people who are stupid, or who I think are stupider than me, and still do fiercely loathe people for things they did significantly to me years ago. And I think I have a mental list of those people. I'm not exactly loving towards them. This must change. But the problem is, I still want to slap them.
The above might not have been good English-
But anyways. Yep, we have to slowly model our lives in the way that is becoming of Christians and people of and in God, and we need to look out for other people and their interests and respect them.
I've started to cleanse my system. I hope this does have some effect on you all.
Amen.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
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