It's a rotten feeling. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
No more left-over joy from the previous good week to fuel the waves of misery that December brings. Fed up of temporal happiness.
I'm also seeing the things that are wrong with the world, and it isn't very helpful in lifting my mood. Wrong with people and happenings.
Or it could be that I'm just tired.
Like I told Megan, I'm grumpy. But now, its contorted into grumpy magnified. And also because of new and more troubling reasons. (Megan, you should be happy there's mention of you).
I've been waiting for so many confirmations, and most of me is restless and impatient. Need signs to be clear. Very few of them are.

Still unsure over the certainty of baptism in the Holy Spirit. Have been reading up a lot on this.Speaking in tongues is but one indication of a sure baptism. Came to Christian Evangelism, Healing and Teaching Resources, and I agree with the writer's opinion on how to recognise disciples in Christ.

"The Bible never tells us to look for supernatural manifestations as evidence that a person is saved...

Passages such as Romans 12:4-8, 1 Corinthians 12:7-11, 27-31, and Ephesians 4:11-12 tell us that every Christian is a member of the body of Christ and receives one or more gifts of the Spirit.

Notice that if a person is truly able to operate in a gift of the Spirit then this is evidence that the person is saved, because the Holy Spirit and His gifts are only given to Christians (based on the passages which we have seen).

These passages tell us what we should look for in order to recognize true disciples of Christ:

John 13:34:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

John 13:35: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 15:7: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

John 15:8: "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

1 John 2:5: "But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:"

1 John 2:6: "Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."

1 John 3:10: "This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother."

1 John 3:11: "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another."

1 John 3:14: "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death."

1 John 3:18: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

1 John 3:19: "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence"

1 John 3:24: "Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."

1 John 4:1: "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world."

1 John 4:2: "This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,"

1 John 4:3: "but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world."

1 John 4:13: "We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit."

1 John 4:14: "And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world."

1 John 4:15: "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God."

1 John 4:16: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."

In the above passages we are specifically told that we can recognize Jesus' true disciples by their "fruit." This is described as being obedience to God's commands, acknowledging that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who has come in the flesh, and exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit (e.g. Galatians 5:22-23) by loving each other with actions and in truth. These are the things that we are told to look for as evidence that a person has received salvation"

I concur. Maybe I'm becoming too much of a thinking radical. Is that good?
And I was blog-surfing a bit and saw Dawn's sister's blog.
I really like what she said.
If God had a refrigerator, your picture will be on it.

God speaks through our dreams. I had a really disturbing one.
Was driving an army tank in a very weird environment. I was in the tank on a high ground, and my tank ran over an ancient chinese tomb. And it opened up.
Drove a bit away and came to the edge of the high ground, and saw a whole valley of tombs. And they all started to open up.
Then the dream changed, and I was shooting at 2 men who were coming to arrest me. I shot and killed them. And then I got shot, and I fell, and pretended to die.
When I got up, I looked in the mirror and realised that most of my back was shot away...

Symbolism? 3 tombs, 2 deaths, me getting injured. Makes little sense. Unless it means that something shitty is going to happen and there will be 2 deaths and I will be grievously harmed. Mm. An optimistic prophecy.

Tired of working and ritualistic living. A 9 to 6 job isn't that nice and inviting anymore. Dread working life when I get older. Lets see, you wake up at 7 plus to go to work, it starts at 9 and lasts til 6. You get home or wherever you wanna get to at 7 plus again. If you value sleep, that means you should shut down at 11 plus. That leaves me a window duration between 7 and 11 to work out, have pure unadulterated fun and pay attention to your loved one. 4 hours.
Come to think of it. School isn't bad.
At least you can cheat a bit, and the hours are shorter.

Still got lots of undone homework that I both don't want to go back to, but also don't have time to go back to. Really want a magical solution to all these problems. They will come back to haunt me.

This Christmas doesn't seem that Christmasy anymore. Bright lights and songs don't make it festive. Maybe some snow and chimneys will strengthen the quality of Christmas. I think that the story about Christmas losing its magic and nobody believing in Santa Claus thing has already come true.
The simple joys of Christmas have almost been lost.
I have just one fantasy left that features Christmas heavily. If it comes to fruition, I suspect a major chunk of all my unhappiness will vanish for good. But hardly. Confirmation is slow from above. Then again, it probably isn't due yet, no matter how impatient I get.

But on the depressing side, troubles will slip and go and go away, and new ones will come in to take their place. Poetic.

Wasn't expecting to write so much. But I probably am so deadened, that I need to outsource some of my misery. Alas, it is a rare emotional low that I'm at now. Forgive me.