I suddenly got this swell rise up in me, a bubble that makes me so furious, I want to punch my com's monitor screen and watch it burn out!
And particularly after I blog-surf or browse friendster!
Don't know why.
Actually, I do know why.
I'm jealous of other people's flamboyant lifestyles, which are what I've been striving toward or looking up to it as an ideal!
The sentence just above sounds like it just leaked out from under a girl's typing fingers, but I think that about sums up what I feel, or explains the rage inside me!
I've a boring lifestyle.
Wake up. Go to school. Return home. Try to study. Find some excuse to come online. Watch TV if its Wed/Thurs/Fri. Sleep. End of day. And its the same every dawn to dusk. Puh-leaze. This kinda life I hate. Monotonous. Slow-moving, and repetitive.
My perfect day:
Wake up without feeling a morsel of fatigue.
Spring up to get ready and look fresh for the day ahead. Succeed in looking fresh for the day ahead. Go to school and breeze through everything-knowing all the answers to the questions my supposed education is suppose to drill into/weasel out of me and end school early, on a high note. Hit the Gym and pull off a full regimen, consisting of 4 solid sets of Bench Presses, Bent-over row, shoulder shrug... Without a spotter's help. Move up to using 20 kg plates per side. Run a firm 4K on the treadmill.
Still have energy when get home. Have a fulfilling revision. Sleep late and still have enough clearance of mind and spirit for the next day.
What the fuck. How does one manage a day like that? And a day like such is supposed to be NORMAL. And if this is the ideal monotony I enjoy everyday, would there be time for senseless recreation that people not even near my age or intellect are enjoying right now? Like clubbing? Like losing myself in loud music and booze? Wait. Losing myself only in loud music. Not booze. I HATE alcohol. It stinks. It dulls the brains. And it stinks again. The taste took some getting used to, but its the headiness that follows and the afterbreath that spirals out from your mouth. I hate beer. Wine maybe, on special enough occasions.
And actually. I lust after this kinda lifestyle. Wild living and partying. Grinding with girls in dark pubs and clubs. Which GIRLS, yes, GIRLS get to do, and I don't. That is really really degrading. Girls and some guys go out till late (or until early) in pretty clothes to basically lose control and themselves at strange places with marvellous music and company, though unfamiliar company that is. The League of Men's plans (of clubbing) never managed to carry through.
And as a result, I get enraged because i envy these people, who have the liberty to commit all these 'sins' which I don't get to. And spend a grand total of over $120 in less than 8 hrs.
That is amazing, and bloody bloody hell makes me feel like I'm a noob. (which i am most definitely not.)
But this inability to have fun is further spurred by a multitude of personal faults and various restrictions, and the lingering thought that I'm not best in whatever I do. I mean shit, if I'm gonna do something seriously, then I better be the goddammed best in the world or even galaxy or even universe, OR ELSE!
Or else nothing. I'm not the greatest in English, which I liked to believe I was, and I'm not the best in football, which I hoped to be 4 years ago; I'm certainly not the best in Karate coz' there's the Gurkhas, the Japanese, Russians, Brazilians, Iranians.... And my academic is miles away from honourable mention or privileged decoration.Neither am I the strongest or the fittest. Nor the fastest. Nor the most supple. Or the nimblest.
So what am I?
What can I be best in?
And it doesn't help when the world spins this way and I let myself have the world spin this way and that I find that the way it spins isn't how I'd liked it to, and now I hate it.
I chose this stupid life. By a rippling effective myraid of choices (right/wrong) that has propelled me, half willingly, most un-willing like this. And now I have to pick up the pieces, or tread on the sharp points from the shattered glass. What a brilliant metaphor.
And today, the only cheerful thing was that MJC Taekwondo was incredibly receptive towards me. After my self-initiated trial whereby I got one of the guys, a J2 to hold a pad (bag) for me to kick. And so, I lashed my right and left roundhouse, axe kick (kakatootoshi) all at head level ,and one low roundhouse to the thigh albeit with a layer of pad to the senior's leg. The people were sufficiently impressed to hamper me to join.
But of course, whilst the EXCO were delighted to have a prospective addition in me, some of the J1s and maybe 2s, were displeased that a 'haolian' dude from no where came to steal the show and draw all the oooohs and aaaahs from the potential seniors. The hostility was mildly palpable. There was this guy who i think was from TPJC in PAE who eyed me with a unfriendly look, like he had some dirt on his nose.
I say GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Wow. I think this mood is getting to me. My expressiveness is now no-holds barred.
Should things stay this way? Who gives a fuck anyway?
-.-
No comments:
Post a Comment