Love and Forgive

I had not yet expected the increase in loading with this new year and new season, and I recognize more and more that without God's help, I cannot do any, if not all, of the things well.

I need to do well in faith, in school and in body, not neglecting any of my family, friends and my girlfriend. I have done poorly in these, one way or the other.

How may I take up a hobby and suspend my care for these people and affairs? I should not have time to engage in small activities that are small and will be of no consequence when lined up against these.
My best energies cannot be used to please myself alone.

My eyes ordinarily see only myself. If I live only by what I see and what I care to see, I will neglect and harm others, as I live my day out.

I must not give in to anger easily, but instead love in tenderness, gentleness and kindness.

Love covers all offenses; it does not blame or hold wrongs against one another. It does not invoke jealousy or guilt.

We may not love perfectly, but we may learn more and more from our God, who is Love.

1 John 4

 ⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son^[b] into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰ This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for^[c] our sins. ¹¹ Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹² No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

 ¹³ We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴ And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. ¹⁶ And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

   God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. ¹⁷ In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Our hearts must turn to God. Our hearts should be hearts that seek the LORD, even in joy, or in sorrow and anguish. We must bring our feelings and emotions before the Lord, those feelings that we can or cannot help feeling. We are not to think of our problems apart/ away from God. We are to pray in all things. Prayer is our first and best response.


We are in human company and we bruise, offend one another daily. We need to forgive and love those who harm us, and even more so if they are our friends.

We are not to bear grudges or store in our minds and hearts the offenses of others. We do not count their wrongs against them but love them past these. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

It is necessary to forgive, for in Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus said:

   ¹⁴ For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

And He said this, after having taught us how to pray. We are instructed to pray and ask God to "forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors".

Jesus says this absolutely, and in the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18, Jesus said that unless we forgive our brother who has sinned against us from the heart, there will be no canceling of debts.

We must forgive others, just as how God forgives us - He has done it first. We are to love uncommonly, with uncommon strength and uncommon motivation, all received from our God, who is Love.

We are to pray for God to fill us with His love for Him and for others, that we may have the strength and love to forgive others who have done us wrong.

I may not do this by myself, for I do not have much love. But God will pour His love into my heart by His Holy Spirit, already given me.

Christ lives in us; we must also live in Christ.
May His love be made complete in each of us.

The Season of Blessing.

This is a season of blessing, but as His people, we must not be unwise but instead move into a preparation for the things to come. We are not uninformed of the days ahead, where there will be dark and difficult times.

What lessons the Lord uses to shape our person, we must learn. We are meant to be complete in Christ.

So God's blessing on me is not complete - I may not break away from Him.

*

Yesterday's fellowship was a good instance of how God gathers His people together. We had started out with 3 men who only looked to encourage and strengthen each other in our faith. The later additions were a pleasant surprise that greatly encouraged us. We did not anticipate having sisters in our group and were only looking to build the men up in faith.

Wei Qiang had heard of our gathering and was eager to join with fellow believers.

Phoebe grew aware of our gathering when I went late from our fellowship to a committee meeting and she later asked to join us. She brought 2 friends along afterward.

Terence was led to our group by the singing that we had only began to incorporate into our meeting on his way back from dinner yesterday. He shared that he realized he was led to a group of worshippers by God seeing that he was not walking so closely with Him. It was the first time everyone turned up, and although it was 8 people, bringing people together is not something a single person can do.

There are no coincidences because God is sovereign and God is powerful. While men act out of self-interest, He acts out of His love and His righteousness. So we were gathered to share, learn and pray.

When it came to sharing, I realized that my study of the Word this week was not in depth, because I was invested in the essays that occupied so much of my reading and writing.

I had only read Exodus 34, and I was wary that sharing on the character of God in the Old Testament could affect the understanding of God for believers younger in the faith.

But what I managed to share, I believe was not scripted or prepared, but prompted.

Why I shared from the Old Testament, because God is unchanging and he is the same. He was, He is, and He is to come. (NIV Bible, Revelations 4:8)

This was a point where Moses was leading the nation of Israel and in close relationship with God. And he had asked God to show him His glory.


Exodus 33

¹⁹ And the LORD said, “I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. ²⁰But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.”


Exodus 34
 ⁵ Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. ⁶ And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, ⁷ maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation.”

Moses' response was in verse 8.


Exodus 34

  ⁸ Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped.

He is the same God, yet unlike Moses we do not know to go to Him in meekness and humility - we miss out this reverence for God, and seeing His high standards of holiness and purity that we cannot meet. He is compassionate, desiring and delighting to give grace and show mercy, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness, loving and forgiving.

The use of the word 'yet', also means that at the same time, there is no compromise between His kindness shown to all men, as well as His righteousness. Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right? (NIV Bible, Genesis 18:25)

God will not leave the wicked unpunished, because He is a righteous Judge. While He loves and shows kindness, He will deal with wickedness and with wicked people. We were previously in this category.

His love motivated Him to work salvation with His right arm and Christ Jesus provided the full payment for us who now profess and live in faith and hope in Him. Therefore we must be careful to understand God's holiness and how much and how often we go the other way in sin.

So we must repent and confess so that we may be washed clean by Christ. He who conceals their sin does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. (NIV Bible, Proverbs 28:13)
Any small stain will not do, we must deal with our sin, bringing them before God.

My sharing point (thesis) was that, we often have an improper view of God, and thus we have an inaccurate view of our own standing in relation to Him. This affects our reverence and awe for Him, and causes us to feel comfortable that we are soon measuring up to His standards. We do not fear Him as we should. We must desire more, to be clean and like Him.

We need to know Him so we may love Him and live worthily to please Him.
Where we have a proper view of God and a view of ourselves, we may know how much we need Him.

*

There is a need for me to understand what gifts do I have, so that I may function optimally where He has designed me to. It seems that whatever small gifts they may be, they are to do with learning and sharing His Word. However, I cannot be effective without having spent time in His presence.

We are a collection of different people who have been called by Him.
There are differences that only God can reconcile - He mediates between men. But Christ has mediated between us and the Father.

Can any man be fully right? And yet we do not follow men; we follow Christ.

May all believers love and protect one another. Will the sheep be in disunity? They are not, because they follow the same Shepherd, along the same way.


I am not the picture of spiritual health, but His Spirit is at work in me to clean and teach me.
I write, in addition to flaunt my depth in Scripture, also to note the events in this time that are important to me and also to edify others who may read. 


I am deeply entrenched in His Grace. This is a good place to be. 

Works Cited

Holy Bible, New International Version. East Brunswick NJ: International Bible Society, 1984. Print.

Loving Those Who Resist

My week is always a comparison between God's faithfulness and how I reciprocate His love for me with my faithful obedience. How much of my heart I give over to Him, and how much do I compartmentalize and reserve for myself?

Happiness or Joy?

I do not know any person who is happy all the time. There are moments of depression that I will fall into, but the good thing is that I will not be in it for too long. I am not allowed it seems, to be sorrowful for long before my great Comforter will soon restore to me the comfort that was promised me.


Who may comfort my troubled spirit?

God will comfort me; this is His Character. My Father loves me and He is also the God of all Comfort. He made me, and He knows what beverage I need for my thirst.

It is also wise to note that I have observed that Happiness is a feeling, whereas Joy is a state. 

And we know how short-lived feelings are. 

Grace

Building relationships takes a lot of grace. Do I have so much?

Yet I am charged to love and to be gracious, because I have known His Grace and His love. We are in the business of imitating, becoming more like Christ Jesus, so we give grace to others and love them.

Who truly understands grace? Only the greatest sinner who has received full pardon. Paul the Apostle considered himself in this category.

Who validates me? Not men, but my God and Saviour Jesus Christ.

1 Timothy 1:15-16

New International Version (NIV)

 ¹⁵ Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. ¹⁶ But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.

One who is aghast at the horror of his vile sins will then understand the full measure of the pardon and appreciate the grace and hope held out for him. If I may be forgiven for these great sins, I may be confident that the One who forgave me loves me beyond my state, and my present condition.

Luke 7:46-48

New International Version (NIV)

⁴⁶ You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. ⁴⁷ Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.”
 ⁴⁸ Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

I think that the casual and unappreciative way Christians speak about grace shows a great lack of knowing what it is.

Grace is neither abetment nor endorsement. Grace frees and Grace empowers one for Holy living. If we truly know Grace and see the heart behind it, we will want to remain in this love and goodness and never depart into unacceptable ways again. Grace results in the ability to forgive.


I think we are vengeful creatures who long to visit others who have harmed us with malice also. But in Christ, we are a new creation, and have His Spirit to help us.

Resolution,
I am to imitate Christ, to forgive and to love those who have not loved Him and have not loved me also.  And so I will-I must, and He will pour out the strength and the love to cultivate this foreign nature that was never mine or a part of me in the first place. This love has always been from Him. 

Journaling

I do not talk about my feelings. I have only talked about my thoughts.
While I cannot remember who said this, I think it is very true-"If I should die before I wake, throw my journal in the lake."

I still want to be honest in my journal, at least for a while more, and gaining access to my writings is gaining understanding of how my mind works, how my heart feels, the contents of my soul and how my spirit is. Sharing this with another is deeply intimate, and it must be done with wisdom.

Prayer


I actually heard the most encouraging thing last evening from my non-believing buddy.
He said he knew if I were angry, I would pray one, adding a "I know him very well".
I wonder if he sees that prayer is not just self-talk, but transformative.
It is also a reminder of how dependent I am, and I must be, on prayer.



Two threads of thought came to me last night before I fell asleep:


"Of one thing I may be confident of and in, even if all else falls apart, that He has loved me with an everlasting love, and His everlasting love moves Him to care for me in every way. Who may know how dearly beloved we are to Him."


And because I know the above, I could say:


"There is nothing left to say other than 'Amen' and to go sleep."






I am not a holy man, who is so close to God that I now have an elevated standing. Rather, I am one who is conscious of Him and His standards and of how I fall short all the time. But I also am conscious of His love and His goodness and the hope held out for me. Therefore, I may live with confidence that He will be with me. 


It had been said, in the last part of Isaiah 49:23, that those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed. Our hope is based on the Character of our God who is unchanging, whose love for us endures forever. 

Love and Hospitality as our Trademark

I think that these years in my life are not just a progression into adulthood but also growing into a Christian man.

Therefore I will write about the segments where I grow, tumble and trip and recover, for it will be helpful for me when I reminisce.

Everyday is a struggle to be faithful and to honour Christ.
By my action, speech and treatment of others, I represent Christ.

In one of my texts to Dong Lin, I wrote that Love is a Christian Trademark. Then when Raj came over to my room, I remembered that Hospitality was one of these trademarks we are to exhibit also. I did what I could to welcome him, in my living space.

I am in a season of sickness, because I have not cared well for myself. Does this season have any bearing on how I relate to God? In all occasions and under all conditions, we are to rejoice, give thanks and praise Him. He lives and I have life in Him.

Do I expect and trust God to heal me? I know He can, but do I believe He will heal me?
Can I ask God to fix my body while I harm it by abuse daily?
Yet this is the process of renewal which out of His grace and discretion, He will give. We sin daily and He shows mercy and gives forgiveness where we repent and submit ourselves to His Word.

My sickness reminds me that my flesh is weak. It also chastens me, that my spirit must be strong. In all circumstances and situations, I must pray. I depend on Him and whether He heals me or not, I will wait on Him.

I must exercise my spiritual freedom and new life to obey and not to return to the selfish, unloving and mean-spirited patterns of the old life. 

Election

At present, I believe, on the basis of Romans 9 and Isaiah 59 and so many other Scriptures, that it is God's sovereign choice and God Himself who works salvation.

I believe that it is God's mercy and not what we may do on our own that will save us. But it is written that Jesus draws all men to Himself (John 12:32).

John 6:65- He went on to say, "That is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him." 

John 6:37, 38, 39 - "All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away. For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but the will of him who sent me. And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me but raise them up at the last day."

John 10:27,28,29,30  - "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one."

Luke 13:24 - He said to them, "Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, 'Sir, open the door for us.'"


1. God draws, enables men to go near to Christ.
2. Christ safe-keeps all who are given over to Him. No one may snatch them from Him; He will lose none of them.
3. Make every effort to enter through the narrow door.

To reconcile all the above, we may not fully understand what is the reach of His reaping. But we may be confident that His love for us is true - genuine and faithful.

Our hearts must not be hard, and our attitude must be reverential. We must submit to God's authority and go to Him meekly. God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble (Proverbs 3:34; James 4:6). 

For our first and foremost sin was that we "neither glorified Him as God nor gave thanks to Him" (Romans 1:21). Honour God and His sovereign authority over us.

Pray with precision. We must ask for mercy and ask God to enable us to go to Him and to bring us to a knowledge of Him and His Word.

Go near to Christ Jesus. Let nothing prevent you from doing so. 

Stomach for God's Word

Training Soldiers;

The past week, I saw the first batch of young people that I was responsible for complete the very first phase of their military training and it sobered me by both remembering 1) how fast time passes away, and 2) how influential commanders are.

I have a stake in every of these young men that have passed through me and I can mostly hope that I've been as positive as possible.

It is only now that I learn the degree of my role, I was not prepared sufficiently to be responsible for people. It also reinforced my knowledge that every individual is precious and worth a great deal to me to my Heavenly Father.

To my special 42:
I am sure that you are quality products and my command group has done a great job with you.
My wish for you is that you will have a positive National Service like I am having.

A good day with a good friend;

Managed to catch Toy Story 3 with Megan. It was a good movie, because I used to play with toys like that when I was smaller.

It dealt with growth-growing older and out-growing things of old.
1 Corinthians 13:11 - "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

I probably have taken the verse out of its context where Paul was talking about unfailing love.

The story connected with me, because I am like Andy in so many aspects and I had always wished my toys would come alive and play with me, and love me, and obey me when I ask them to behave in a certain way.

I want all of them to be free and independent, but willing to defer to my directions when I set them up in the imaginary setting I thought up.

I found that God instead has been so gracious to give us our autonomy and also the freedom to go over to His side. To Him, we are so much more than toys or playthings, and He has so much good and love for us because He made us and watched us grow and has the big picture.

He has such a big stake in us and He took us so seriously, willing to do extraordinary things to woo us.

Well, I am also pleased that I have managed to convert Megan, or rather have her come over to the idea that not all cartoons are stupid. The film had some value, I thought.

It was a good day overall.

Have been worked on by God;

Roland and Joyce's wedding re-wrought in me the correct idea of a Christian union and also made me re-examine our marriage to Christ.

We are the body of Christ, and He is our Head. We cannot live disconnected away from Him or His leadership.

I feel more willing to call Christ my King, because I've always been comfortable in serving a reliable leader and I am willing to learn to submit. It will however, take a whole life to do so.

Christ diverted God's wrath from falling on us and instead took it all upon Himself.

Have come off a session of reflection and reading the Word, and have been reminded and convicted of so many things.

My sin was that I have always tried to peel God away from me and limit His effects and workings on my person.

I forgot to consider the thoughts of the One whom I call my King when I ate, and when I spoke.
I need even more deeply, an understanding of my sin, which will give me an understanding of God's Grace and Love, and a deep fondness and appreciation for His Son.

I must glorify God and put Him at His rightful Highest place; not only praise Him on occasion with song, but remember and honour Him constantly. Cue: Jesus must take the Highest Honour...

I must control the substances entering my mind space. I watched Desperate Housewives and Drop Dead Diva yesterday and thought nothing of them, even when I wrestled with myself whether or not to give in to some form of entertainment.

But today I realized that there were a lot of wrongness reflected in the show that was put across to us. It featured adultery, a loose view on divorce, a flexible measure of justice, fornication, irresponsible parenting, dishonesty.

While the shows tried to dish off some good (caution against the acceptability of cheating), it slipped in all the other vices and desensitized us to their abhorrence.

C.S. Lewis was right when he said entertainment was a lousy plug for the our leaking joy.

My loud cry would be for God not to let us alone, but be about and in us.
Another stray thought: Not just not commit, but also not abet sin.

Because I profess faith in Christ, I must value what He values greatly: people.

Faith expressing itself through Love

I have been looking to the wrong sort of things to fuel me in my daily labours.
I have been drawing relief, entertainment from the wrong material, and I am sure that this has marred my capacity to love.

I am aware that my care and concern for others is severely reduced when I shift the focus to pleasing myself.

My inclination to love is almost gone because by my own effort, without the Spirit, it is not sufficient.

(Whilst recording my growing understanding of God's wise things, I do hope that this material may be beneficial for others who might read what I write. )

GOAL: To Be a Christian Young Man. [End Objective.]

Specifics:
Bearing influence and characteristics of Christ Jesus and to be changed continually by Him.

How:
To love and obey Christ's teachings and commandments, living them out in daily life.

This was the object of the Boys' Brigade which I'm sure the Founder had hoped that all of us would continue bearing, even after we are no longer Boys.
I'm a little surprised that it only came to me now, when I've been so long apart from the BB.

A few years and even just months could bring about a stupendous shift in paradigm.

Sometime last year, I was angered and slightly vengeful about the trend of Christianity and how we try to give it modern characteristics so that it may be suitable and palatable for the world now.

I've grown tamer since then, and now no longer enter into argument or conflict but would prefer to wait for God's redeeming, overcoming love to work.

Our job is to deliver the gospel, plant the seed of truth and then become witnesses to how God powerfully grows us all into His firstfruits.

We must take heed from His Spirit, and follow God's pace, rhythm.
Keep in Step with the Spirit.

With the examples of so many before us, I am clearly aware of how imperfect we are, but how powerfully God uses us when we are obedient.

It's a rotten feeling. I'm not sure of anything anymore.
No more left-over joy from the previous good week to fuel the waves of misery that December brings. Fed up of temporal happiness.
I'm also seeing the things that are wrong with the world, and it isn't very helpful in lifting my mood. Wrong with people and happenings.
Or it could be that I'm just tired.
Like I told Megan, I'm grumpy. But now, its contorted into grumpy magnified. And also because of new and more troubling reasons. (Megan, you should be happy there's mention of you).
I've been waiting for so many confirmations, and most of me is restless and impatient. Need signs to be clear. Very few of them are.

Still unsure over the certainty of baptism in the Holy Spirit. Have been reading up a lot on this.Speaking in tongues is but one indication of a sure baptism. Came to Christian Evangelism, Healing and Teaching Resources, and I agree with the writer's opinion on how to recognise disciples in Christ.

"The Bible never tells us to look for supernatural manifestations as evidence that a person is saved...

Passages such as Romans 12:4-8, 1 Corinthians 12:7-11, 27-31, and Ephesians 4:11-12 tell us that every Christian is a member of the body of Christ and receives one or more gifts of the Spirit.

Notice that if a person is truly able to operate in a gift of the Spirit then this is evidence that the person is saved, because the Holy Spirit and His gifts are only given to Christians (based on the passages which we have seen).

These passages tell us what we should look for in order to recognize true disciples of Christ:

John 13:34:
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

John 13:35: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 15:7: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."

John 15:8: "This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

1 John 2:5: "But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him:"

1 John 2:6: "Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."

1 John 3:10: "This is how we know who the children of God are and who the children of the devil are: Anyone who does not do what is right is not a child of God; nor is anyone who does not love his brother."

1 John 3:11: "This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another."

1 John 3:14: "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death."

1 John 3:18: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

1 John 3:19: "This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence"

1 John 3:24: "Those who obey his commands live in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know it by the Spirit he gave us."

1 John 4:1: "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world."

1 John 4:2: "This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,"

1 John 4:3: "but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world."

1 John 4:13: "We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit."

1 John 4:14: "And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world."

1 John 4:15: "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God."

1 John 4:16: "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him."

In the above passages we are specifically told that we can recognize Jesus' true disciples by their "fruit." This is described as being obedience to God's commands, acknowledging that Jesus Christ is the Son of God who has come in the flesh, and exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit (e.g. Galatians 5:22-23) by loving each other with actions and in truth. These are the things that we are told to look for as evidence that a person has received salvation"

I concur. Maybe I'm becoming too much of a thinking radical. Is that good?
And I was blog-surfing a bit and saw Dawn's sister's blog.
I really like what she said.
If God had a refrigerator, your picture will be on it.

God speaks through our dreams. I had a really disturbing one.
Was driving an army tank in a very weird environment. I was in the tank on a high ground, and my tank ran over an ancient chinese tomb. And it opened up.
Drove a bit away and came to the edge of the high ground, and saw a whole valley of tombs. And they all started to open up.
Then the dream changed, and I was shooting at 2 men who were coming to arrest me. I shot and killed them. And then I got shot, and I fell, and pretended to die.
When I got up, I looked in the mirror and realised that most of my back was shot away...

Symbolism? 3 tombs, 2 deaths, me getting injured. Makes little sense. Unless it means that something shitty is going to happen and there will be 2 deaths and I will be grievously harmed. Mm. An optimistic prophecy.

Tired of working and ritualistic living. A 9 to 6 job isn't that nice and inviting anymore. Dread working life when I get older. Lets see, you wake up at 7 plus to go to work, it starts at 9 and lasts til 6. You get home or wherever you wanna get to at 7 plus again. If you value sleep, that means you should shut down at 11 plus. That leaves me a window duration between 7 and 11 to work out, have pure unadulterated fun and pay attention to your loved one. 4 hours.
Come to think of it. School isn't bad.
At least you can cheat a bit, and the hours are shorter.

Still got lots of undone homework that I both don't want to go back to, but also don't have time to go back to. Really want a magical solution to all these problems. They will come back to haunt me.

This Christmas doesn't seem that Christmasy anymore. Bright lights and songs don't make it festive. Maybe some snow and chimneys will strengthen the quality of Christmas. I think that the story about Christmas losing its magic and nobody believing in Santa Claus thing has already come true.
The simple joys of Christmas have almost been lost.
I have just one fantasy left that features Christmas heavily. If it comes to fruition, I suspect a major chunk of all my unhappiness will vanish for good. But hardly. Confirmation is slow from above. Then again, it probably isn't due yet, no matter how impatient I get.

But on the depressing side, troubles will slip and go and go away, and new ones will come in to take their place. Poetic.

Wasn't expecting to write so much. But I probably am so deadened, that I need to outsource some of my misery. Alas, it is a rare emotional low that I'm at now. Forgive me.