The weekend is overhyped.
We spend all week looking forward to those last 2 days and when they've arrived, they aren't anything special.
My dream in the morning was a bit peculiar. My subconscious conjured a neat little fantasy of me being a floorball hero, and had it play all night.
Ploughed through a tutorial and talked on the phone with Crystal. We're on the same wavelengths, maybe that's why we enjoy our verbal sparring. I made her dizzy with joy when I told her I value what she thinks.
Honesty pays, Ha!

She's probably one of the few whom I will tell-all to without giving much thought to it.
And someone should back up her supposition that Cancer and Pisces get along well.
Otherwise it's probably just my affectionate attributes that reel in all the ladies.

Had an intimate session (not sex) with Derek yesterday too over lunch. My observations and suspicions about him were all proven accurate and true, and I've earned the label of being a bastard, according to Derek. I won't elaborate because I would forfeit whatever little trust he has in me. I must apologize to Dicky. You may never know (who)!
After that, we went back to the canteen to talk about pretty girls in MJC. That got us really laughing. Dick was in a crazy mood.

I was talking about the weekend. It seems like a lot of time, but then again it doesn't.
I checked on the quick fixes that I listed and I've gotten 4 of them.
I got my phone back; I had a really good dream; I had a good gym day on Thursday, and I blazed through the sixth season of Scrubs.
Pretty decent, but not entirely satisfactory.

I feel that life has lost some sort of spunky flavour.

But to invoke Chris Moon's philosophy; he is a really amazing person.
"Most people stop when they get uncomfortable. Then they will never reach their peak. You have to keep going, one step, one step.
You'll go further."

Where will I go after hearing this? I need to take in more pain and more of the discomfort and push against it so that it'll take much more to beat me each stab I have at the thing I'm doing, whether it's going through schoolwork or heaving the barbell in the weight room.

I've been studying couples in the people around me and also paying some attention to Scrubs. Two people coming together is not as simple as it looks. It is the merging of two broad social circles. The circles should fit nicely together for a good union.
There is something that brings two people together. And once that something is gone, so is the reason for them to be together. I gleaned that from J.D and Kim in Scrubs who were having a baby, and were brought together by that bundle. It's not exactly a fitting analogy, but I like to think I make sense.

Stroke my ego please.

Love can do all but raise the Dead.

finis

Snuck online to express myself in this neat little space.
Am supposed to be exploring career options, which would stimulate me to strive harder to qualify for the career choice that I have in mind.

Even so, the most lucrative job I think would be a divorce lawyer (family lawyer) or being the son of a multi-millionaire-you can source through Forbes' list and look at which old dude looks most like you.

The Army seems viable, but I don't like the sound of a contract with them, and a 9 to 5 job with them is daunting.
Come to think of it, a 9 to 5 (desk) job with anyone will probably stink. I had a taste of that in the holidays last year. It wasn't boring, but you find yourself going to work even when you don't feel like it and you don't have much of an option.
Your play time is severly minimised and you're mentally drained when you get home and you won't have the drive or energy to work out or enjoy yourself; and you don't get to see your friends much.

Being a teacher is safe, and it's been made to sound really good because teachers supposedly have high salaries and also the same holidays as their students. But they don't list the stress levels, mid-to-low job satisfaction and diminished social life. Not very appealing. Just look at our educators. They don't exactly glow or are vibrant and very cheerful.

I've been shelving this little chat with myself about THE FUTURE for quite a while. I think I cannot avoid it much longer. What will I be doing in 5 years' time. I need to know fast.

This is probably the easiest week in J2 ever, coming back after the Block Test. We have had unexplained long breaks that we didn't have for a helluva long time; there aren't any tutorials or assignments that are urgently in demand. I like this, but I know it won't stay like this for long.

Forced a gym session into my day, because I needed the pump and also the growth.
No sacrifice, no victory; no guts, no glory etc.
Ran yesterday to chase away the weariness and to beat my previous time.
Staying in shape is not always easy. You gotta bully yourself sometimes and embrace the pain that is bound to come afterward.
The feel of satisfaction in the form of intermittent aching and heat siphoning off your body.
That's sweet.

Otherwise, there isn't anything really much that validates a happy mood lest one.
There is a gaping void and I can't really measure it.

BSB's "Just Want You to Know",

Lookin at your picture
From when we first met
You gave me a smile
That I could never forget
Nothing I could do
Could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger
Always on my mind
The days would blend
Cause we stayed up all night
Yeah you and I were everything
Everything to me

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing
I'm trying to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day

The day you slipped away

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you
I lost myself
No I can't fake it
There's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

Cause I can't fight to let you go
Some days I make it through
And then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe
That there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say
I would do it all again
Just want you to know

A moment of weakness or a leakage of hearfelt-I dunno.
Can't put anything into "I dunno".
I need to be a better in every way. Can I say I've started?

I want to recognize and reassure people around me who aren't feeling in excellent form right now also. There is/ can be an epicentre of laughter and you should hang around him more. I will be that epicentre for you. That's what friends are for.

finis

I'm not strictly upset these days. Only disgruntled.
I'm disturbed because I did not have my weekly dose of weight training or run, and interrupted, fitful sleep.
I am bugged by dreams that either don't make sense or are very deviant from harsh reality; I am bored by the mundane lifestyle that I'm confined to; and many other wordless things.

I need some quick fixes:

I need a hard session in the gym,
my lovely handphone that has been estranged from me back,
pure dreamless sleep or a really good dream,
spontaneous pockets of time to see off tutorials and assignments that are due,
unceasing comedy and laughter brought on by Scrubs

Or I could simply daydream. HELLO!
Hakim would understand that. Watch Scrubs Derek!

finis

I have been on the computer most of today and I feel like a hermit.
I've grown a headache and deserve to retire and I have been given reason to do so, because my dearest Chong Rui told me as I was making my own meal that a 20 km run was scheduled tomorrow and it would be nice to have me there. Even better, if I could run it with them.

Brilliant. My dearest Boy calls me up after neglecting me for a month and expects guidance and counsel on the impending Adventure Quest. A 20 km run is not a walk in the park and with full pack too. I need the run, but I don't need the pain. And I'll be technically the only adult there, responsible for 16 pubescent Boys. I've been 18 years old for a month today.
That is an amazing privilege, to hit the pavement and also to in some sense watch over my little ones.

I have a good mind to ditch them when we hit Pasir Ris along our route, but some bit in me instigates me to follow through and make sure things get done right tomorrow. That would mean clocking in time after parade until 5 or 6 with minimal appreciation, recognition and anything else nice.

I'm an angry person.
But my anger at Cherng Ru for not being around when this should have been the little bugger's job and Chong Rui for not being obeisant is tempered when I hear praise from the little ones about my lovely qualities to move men to do things that they can't do alone. The sweet caress on my ego feels excellent.

Apparently MJ thinks that I motivated the team to a crazy high back in 2006 just before the race and they thought we were surely going to win the entire thing even though we didn't.
I do honestly think I have a gift for riling people up, either is it to make my mother rise from a whisper to a ear-piercing shriek or to make people fully moved to give their all. But Rui was asking me how to lift the spirits of everyone on the team seeing that they weren't so confident.

My blog isn't broadly read, either because it's full of sophistry, or if they don't because they don't think their Cadet Lieutenant (I prefer my old rank, WO. Sounds nicer) would do something like this.
Anyway, I will give a lesson anyway.
In this respect, I do think I AM qualified to give you some of my wisdom.

A leader is fallible even if he doesn't show it. He has to be strong and unfazed by whatever setbacks that the team meets and he has to hide his shock and adverse reactions to the impending difficulties and immediately convert it into an optimistic smile.
It isn't easy.
When you convince your team that you're going to win, you're also trying to convince yourself.
And often believing in yourself is the hardest thing to do.

It was never easy when I took up the entire Adventure Quest project. It spans over 5 or 6 months of your time in a short year and almost all of your brain space.
There were plenty of hiccups and I have been conditioned to the extent that even if Chong Rui were to wake me up with his screaming at 4 am (he lives in Pasir Ris too), I wouldn't be very surprised and I'd dismiss him with a one-liner solution to his problems.

I fully understand the doubts and worries that my man is having because I lived through it in my day.
In 2006, our BBAQ team was my baby. Every single thought I had was given to it and I was possessed with a want to win. I made everyone share that by going a bit crazy and wild with my insane rants and a rehearsal session to cross the finish line in style at our regular space (3rd Floor CC). Going into a mood not unlike a spiritual medium and laughing and mocking at other teams weren't simply for fun or laughter.

It was to make everyone feel the same want to win; to recognize and feed on that thirst and make everybody also insanely crazy and confident.
I had doubts myself even when I was running with Joel on race day when we were falling behind, but still insisted that we were going to win no matter what even if it didn't look like so. And dear Joel, on his bad leg and holding my hand, made it to the end point also.

In 2007, Kah Kee took over and he had his own brand of doing things and the worst bit about him was that he had no idea how to care for his people. He was not a crazy optimist like me and when the Boys' team lost out, and even though the Relay team were dizzy with happiness, he could barely say much to make his people happier than they were and if they weren't.
He was very upset about the outcome because he felt they could have made it.
I felt the same the previous year.

But I had to say something to the slaves I had been driving for months and recognize their presence and value. I said something about every single person in the team and even though we fell short, everyone was happy and looking to next year. And in this case, I spoke for KK and put out the badfeel and stirred them to celebrate their victory and then I proceeded to ease the Boys' team that didn't do that well while KK was still reeling.

Every leader is different. I'm eloquent, hopelessly optimistic and with the right crowd, I can be insane. Kah Kee is straight and clever but very negative. Chong Rui is unsure of himself and still needs to lean on something i.e. me. Zicong likes to hit Chong Rui.

Anyway.
You don't have to be good at speaking to make your men get you.
You have to be sincere and tell them why you want that damned end result, and if everybody looks closely at that damned result and start moving to get there, you definitely will.

I hope those buggers that read this get something out of it. It's been tiring writing all of that to prove my point. I enjoy being in my position where I mentor young studs who actually have the substance to do some great things, and drive them like silly kids with my sarcasm and quirky instructions.

This post is dedicated to those who have served in the same time as me under the Boys' Brigade.
If you don't understand any of this, then you probably have never served in a Uniformed Group or under the witty, intelligent and unerring CLT Lau Song Leng.
Though I very much prefer Warrant Officer Lau Song Leng still.

To my Boys:
Please wise up and do EVERYTHING I say or I will make you grow pectorals as large as mine in a way shorter time, with a numerous number of push-ups upward of Avogadro's Constant (6.02 X 10^23).

I will need to ready my bones for an unnecessary long run and I will also need to pack for tomorrow's fun. I have an appointment with Ben and Rui at 17 bus stop at 0655 hours.

This is what I gleaned from Scrubs:
It's all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make you up as a person.

I realised that, riding the waves of my wishful fantasy with my eyecandy-I want to be a super-hero for her. At least in my dreams and fantasies. We can talk about the rest if the Almighty wills this into fruition.

finis

I opened my eyes to this world at 10:15 and after I checked my phone, crawled back under my covers to hold on to the fantasy that conjured itself up while I was dead to the world. It was a really sweet dream and I was kinda surprised that the female lead was her.
I haven't given her much thought after January the 27th where she featured in a dream also.
Oh well, it was one-sided but almost blissful and too bad I had to wake up.
The thing about dreams is that they are fleeting and based on nothing more than wishful thinking.
It doesn't make sense to fancy a person by virtue of her appearing in your non-real visions late at night.

I'm living out Good Friday in this manner because my mother has forbidden me to watch Scrubs because I was on the computer until 2:30 am and disturbed her with my typing on the keyboard. Hey, too bad.

Got a callback to the company for their Archery parade tomorrow. It sounds good because Wilson and Cher Han are there and not because of anything else. Hanging out leisurely with the people from your squad and did the same silly things together really appeals, rather than firing slim arrows into a square target board.
We've been together for a long time, and I enjoy Wilson's vulgar humour and erractic behaviour as well as Cher Han's rage. Still remember his hairdo in Sec 1 and 2.
I have to be in AHS soil by 0745 hours. That's so early it's strange to me.

I suspect I will not see Cherng Ru tomorrow. My suspicions recently have proven correct and I want to credit my super-human intellect. But I want to slap him.
Your girlfriend will not be the most important thing on this planet. But it's true that she will compete with your friends for your time and affections. And it seems that in this case, your friends are losing out.

Am I qualified to dish out advice to people? Don't think so.
But the feeling is a bit sour when your beloved friend, protege and junior who looks up to you grows away from you and onto this girl he knows for a much lesser length of time.
I'm feeling rather angry.
1800-DIAL-AN-ASS.
ASS. is short for assassin.
There's no reason to minimise the space in your life for friends even when you meet a fantastic girl.

My weekend will be disgusting.

Saturday, my morning will be blocked out by Archery at Northbrooks which is on the other end of Singapore; I'm obligated to visit my grandmother come evening. I love her, but it isn't exactly a lot of fun.
Sunday, my sister has booked me for gym because she is unhappy that she is unable to do a standard male push-up and her inclined pull ups has lost to an RJC canoeist. After that will be my new cousin's full-month celebration. I will have to socialize with people who's relational links with me aren't so clear and I have to remember how to address them. Tough.

If you're stalking me, I should be very predictable. I suspect (once again) that my life is so mundane that I should really rob a bank to spice things up.
What do I see in the future?
Raising beautiful, smart and atheletic children with a currently faceless wife I love dearly and a sweet job with flexible hours and lots of "me-time". It will be lovely.
Sorry. Was dreaming again.

Everyone wants to spend the rest of their lives with the one they love, but they forget one thing. That person has to love them back.

finis

I'm too tired to blog sensibly.
My eyelids are heavy from bad sleep and repetitive reading.
I gave up reading The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes because I wasn't absorbing. Do not be deceived by the subject. It's by Sir Arthur Conan Dyle and it should be somewhere up there with Jane Austen. I am not a boring lowlife fart.
Reading improves the quality of your mind. I read a lot.

Thursday was just over and I'm a bit amazed; filled my 24 hours with broadly sleeping; eating and then a solo gym session and some reading. Where did all my time go?
I fear tomorrow.
Everybody promises it will be good (Good Friday), but I grossly disagree. Unless the men in class have something planned, I will most definitely degrade from extreme boredom.
There isn't any Karate training; it's not a gym day, I don't have Cable TV and if it rains, I cannot run. My knee has started to hurt again.
Cheery.

I met Wei Wei just now at Tampines MRT and she waved to me, and here I must gravely apologize again and publicly for not immediately waving back. Smart girl, she. Not just because she's a VJC, but also because she recognized that I was very fit. Haha. I gave her my word that I would go for the 2K class gatherings in future and be very less rude. I don't forget people. I only forget names, so don't worry.

I woke up at 11 plus today, and had a small breakfast of tuna and tomatoes and cucumber slices in a magical concoction-a sandwich, before trying to do some reading.
I sparked my mother off and she could not stop talking to me at a higher volume where she insists is not shouting, and then continually expounds on her perspective of why I'm not that successful thus far and that she foresaw my ill fortune with the cursed examinations; the one that has just passed and the ones that are to follow. She maintained that she would not want to see my CT and yaddayaddayadda.
And I fell asleep and woke up at 2 pm. Excellent.

That brief lapse of shut-eye was really what I needed.
I haven't been getting much restive sleep these days, fitful nights and disturbing dreams that are either part of REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep or really believable dreams where the feeling of swimming in salty green seawater lingers when I open my eyes.
I have the silly notion that I will pass away in my sleep and that I cannot afford to because 18 is a young age and I haven't really done anything that I wanted to and that really sucks.
Why I feel so is because when I shut down for sleep, I somewhat feel that I'm fading away and even though I'm conscious, I do not even have the strength to move my littlest finger or to alter my sleeping position. My mind is screaming at my body but nothing happens. Total immobilisation.
Frightful.

If I were to really leave this world, I would want to tell everybody I've caused hurt to that I'm sorry and I want to tell those people that are close to me that I love them and this is not capricious, but instead sincere love. And I would want people to find God and God to find them.
I would like to invoke a metaphor that a preacher mentioned.
Everybody likes to think they know God and know Jesus. It kinda like, do you know George Bush? Everybody says yes. But, does George Bush know you? If he does, he'd invite you into his white house, won't he?
It's worth our thought.

We caught Rule Number 1 yesterday, we being Jeremy, Hakim, Dickson and me. We wanted to watch Step Up 2, but me and Hakim arrived late and we couldn't watch it, and the original crowd with Crystal and Naq also disbanded. The four men settled for horrific Rule Number 1 late at night. The cinema was not filled and we took a whole row to ourselves where I refused to sit at the side in case somebody I can't see touched me.

It fully lived up to its label as horror movie, and Dickson who thought it was only a thriller was wanting to watch it. I was apprehensive, but complied.
It was a very good movie, with excellent plot and story-telling and heart-jolting bits. Female ghouls with wet long flowing hair and lots of blood and unnatural portions.

Dickson lost his cojones (Spanish for Balls) yesterday at the cinema. He realised it was a ghost show and shielded his eyes for most of the movie, and kept wanting me to tell him what was happening. Haha. That was funny. But I was a bit spooked too. But I was most disturbed by the conclusion. Song Leng is a proponent of happy blissful endings, not dark ones.

After the movie, Jeremy recited Rule Number 2: Don't ever let them touch you. And Hakim gripped my bicep immediately. Because it was dark and also Hakim's dark complexion, I couldn't see where the hand came from and I shook it off, jumped a metre away and shouted "F-you" all in one instant. It was hilarious in hindsight, but damn frigging not funny when you're on the receiving end.

It was a fun night and too bad Crystal and Naq didn't stay for the movie. But I'm sure there'll be another movie outing damn soon.

Having finished recounting the movie yesterday, I'll fill in some of my musings:

Time moves slowly when you've dropped out of the common pace.
I realised this when I was doing my Chemistry paper. Or sitting through mostly.

Time, you cannot hold it; it slips through your fingers like sand.
I wrote this in an essay when I was in Sec 4. Original.

You do not realise the value of things until you lose them.
I lost my stress squeeze ball and a short (long) list of things precious and dear to me and I was moved to reiterate this strand of wisdom.

Scrubs said this to me yesterday. A good hug takes 7 seconds.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately and I once again am disillusioned by all of it.
I want to say more, but I think I'll pass this time.
I need a late night dose of Scrubs to temper out the badfeel. I had not expected to still feel like this after a week. But it's a one time recurrence, I hope and I want to snap out of it and get my living back on the fast track.

I have not been listening to any music expect Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours". I'm hoping to give that piece away in song, but I'm sealing up that bit of me that is a crazy irrational and insanely optimistic dreamer.

finis