Feelings are unrealiable, and if I base decisions and actions by how I feel at the moment, I am setting myself up for either regret, disaster or both.

The fuzzy feeling which I thought I had and I like, and we popularly call love is a misnomer. Yet many people rush into big things like marriage on basis of such feelings, and then wonder how come the amazing thing they had going on before fell apart.

I am more aware that I'm looking for that feeling all over again, looking to be satisfied with some kind of flare that will light up for a bit, but will short out later.

I'm hoping that there might be a female that will captivate, entrance me and occupy all of my thoughts and fill up my waking-sleeping moments.

And I realise quickly that this is wrong and should not be the case.
I should not be exalting a woman to the status of a goddess, and have her take hold of all my thoughts, occupying the highest position in my life no matter how desirable she is.

And our definition of desirable is a faulty human one. When the virtuous woman is placed next to the vixen, temptress our fiercely wild hearts inclines towards the second woman.

In the second woman, she has the flavour of animality and that the base, carnal man wants-I will begin to quote C.S. Lewis-she is the "type which he desires brutally, and desires to desire brutally, a type best used to draw him away from marriage altogether but which even within marriage, he would tend to treat as a slave, an idol, or an accomplice".

The woman is very precious, and all the pornography and the flaunting of sexuality in the media simply devalues her, as well as BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism) turns her into an object in which we expend all our lust.

This ugliness appeals to us as erotic and causes our hearts to leap, which in rare moments of sanity and clear vision should really be recognized for being gross and evil.

I have this kind of blindness as well.

I am sure that the evil one seriously hates women and thus devalues, demeans and disfigures her in this manner. His attacks on her aims at reducing her from her status as the crowning glory of her husband, to an ugly animal.

Proverbs 12:4

A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

1 Corinthians 11:7
A man ought not to cover his head since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.

Our definition of desirable and of beauty must be applied to character and nature and not the outward-the physical and the carnal.

*

C.S. Lewis really has a brilliant mind, and is gifted by God with a good grasp of Theology. I dare not hold him up to be supremely accurate, but his writings are learned and helpful.

He may not be fully accurate about Christian doctrine, and I would be mistaken also, but we who depend on God to reveal, teach and correct us are not given grace on account of how well we understand the difficult things, but on our attitude and obedience.

It is the weak, meek, helpless and defenseless and lost sheep that the Shepherd came back to herd and add to His flock; when He declares us worthy and acceptable, we are and while we are mistaken, divided or in conflict about matters of teaching we must be focused on Christ, on love and on being humble and submissive to correction.

I have not fully learned this yet.

If your feeling is selfish, or selfishness is mixed up in some of it, then it isn't love.

Love isn't a feeling, or a whim. It is something noble and great that is missing in us or mostly fractured. God uses our whole life to teach us to love.

In Marriage, we learn to love our partners and absorb their imperfections; in Parenting, we learn more about God's nurturing and sustenance and self-less, almost always sacrificial-giving that we pay back with low gratitude.

*

I'm riding/writing on fumes of indignation, because my mother suggested in a tone I loathe, that I lack discernment in my choice of friends.

In some areas, my mother knows what I am like, but as to what goes on inside my head, or how I think and make considerations she has little understanding.

I think it isn't fitting that my dear mother doesn't get how my mind works, and I feel that it is inappropriate that your mother has poor idea of how you think and what you think about.

It is even more dire that we as children, have close to no idea what our mothers' thoughts are occupied by.

But while we bridge this break, we must also try hard to understand how our mothers think and work, because while we are very concerned with mostly ourselves, their concern expands to include us.

I just realised my indignation has vanished. Writing for me now is a therapeutic process that leads to a satisfactory outcome, especially if I add reflecting into the mix.



Utah's rainbow bridge; I wanted to put a rainbow here, but thought that this was even more of a visual treat.

*

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis is a big book (although it's small) which once you've had the patience to read through slowly, will strengthen your understanding of the Christian faith and the gospel.

The Screwtape Letters is a satire which pokes fun at the devil and amuses but has depth and still educates, never mind it having dramatised the way minor devils try to intercept the progress of a young, shaky Christian male.

I know this even more acutely-my life must be spent in being aligned to Christ and it must be one of steady obedience.

We are called to walk on water, out of our familiar steadiness to reach toward Him, in doing what our minds perceive as impossible. And when we stumble, He takes hold of us and steadies us equipping us with what we need to triumph the common 'impossible'.

The storms and wind buffet us, but so long as we fix our eyes on Jesus, we will not fall.

God is operating inside of me, and even if it is painful, I am convinced it is for my good.

God is working in my family and I am thankful for His faithfulness, and for renewing and strengthening my family.

Forgive me if I've been uninteresting-these are the things I feel compelled to say, even though most of me think an apology to my readers is unnecessary.