I've dug deep, but still have not found it in me to give a proper expository of what is going on in my head. I'm only going to do it in point form, and if my eloquence comes back to me, I might talk a bit more.

I have underestimated how much I would really miss school. I miss the groggy mornings and how I refused to starting talking to people until I've gotten to the study benches. I miss how Derek, Hakim and I irritate each other. I miss the smartmouths at the back row.
I miss the rendang from the Malay stall. I sorely miss talking over stupid topics at stupid times in stupid places with stupid people.

No, I am not a wuss. I'm only mildly sentimental.
Taking apart the word 'miss-ing', here's how I think of it.
1) Lacking in something;
2) Something is amiss, i.e. something is out of sorts.

So the above very excellently explained how I felt, or am sporadically feeling now.
It's funny how we now miss what we dread.

Then I thought about what I missed, and if I were to live through an extension of it again this year. I couldn't replicate the conditions or summon all my friends who've moved on.
I conclude that I miss the past, which is something that cannot be relived, only reminisced.



How cheerful. Being eighteen forever is an attractive but non-attainable thing.
I can only man-up and move on.

*

I am now like driftwood. So much freedom and no anchor.
I need funding for my pursuits, and I need real physical pursuits.


(Image Courtesy: TravelBlog)

I need a job and yet I fear a job would upset my current lifestyle, because the full hours would sap me of strength and drive to study God's Word, and heave big weights.

If only some teacher in Anglican would fall sick - I'm not intending this to be a curse, but there needs to be an opening before my entrance as an educator and while I displace you, I must add that it also means that apart from you getting more sleep, there will also be no pesky students in this same event.
Required: An Opening.

I had a very good dream this morning, that my results were very satisfactory. And while the endorphins had not yet receded when I rose, I got sober quickly, realising that the contrary always happen with me.

The fear that my results are inadequate are very real and suppressed by my regular treatment towards stress-giving objects (suspension) and my faith that wherever I end up, it will be God's placement.

REAL:
But I still am very much aware that it was my exam and my effort.
Though all of it have been in God's hands from the start, I will reap what I sow.
This worries me.

POSITIVES:
God controls the conditions and the outcome.
I have more years ahead of me which I could spend working towards something I should have attained in my youth.

Required: A swift disclosure of results, or Cambridge having lost all records in a localized fire that consumes only paper and bytes with no loss of human life.

Seek First the Kingdom of God. I got this in the same dream, which was a very strong message that lingered up till I was at church. Wanted to share it when it was time, but was slightly abashed and also because I deem myself dressed too casually, while the people serving were in robes.

I haven't gone deeper into this topic, but I understand that in seeking and receiving this kingdom, we must also embrace the Kingship of Christ. His commands and teachings will provide us with direction; His Word will be our daily nourishment, His way will be our way and we will pray unceasingly and continually. Christ rules over all of me.

Very often I hear people profess love for God. This arouses the skeptic in me.
I dare not say that I love God (as much as I should), and I know that my love for Him is miniscule compared to His for me.
I fear that I confuse love with emotion. Love is not just a feeling.
We humans have lousy, inaccurate ideas about Love.

Our love for Him is only shown through our obedience to Christ's teachings and commands.
If our profession does not match our behaviour, then-

In all,
I am highly dubious that God endorses our worldly pursuits of fame, riches and human success and human hobby.

We may have been expecting that the ungodly things that matter to us also have the same weight in God's sight. We must check ourselves all the time.

When we take on God's way as our way, we will then only be concerned with things of God.

Friends sighted:
Vivien; calligraphy
Aaron; army

Here's a goodbye from Derek and me.
Pictures courtesy of Catherine Chew :)