APRIL 01

These weeks, I've been graced with some time to think and reflect and to have my listless mind drift in as many directions.

I've thought of several things which came to me, whilst my journal and pen were on my lap.

Most are not new, but just strands of thought that I'm throwing my belief behind.

First, I firmly believe men need ruling, although some might attempt to refine this with another word called "governance". Otherwise, we would slacken and become unruly, disorganized and non-motile.

We often want people to leave us alone, but really, we do want companionship but we simply want free rein in living our lives, with no one to judge and rebuke our behaviour.

We are all compulsive sinners - hopeless addicts until we have been graced with mercy and redeemed with Jesus' saving power. We need external help, an infusion of strength to overcome our inherent love for wickedness.

If we are stuck chest-deep or chin-deep in quicksand, no amount of flailing will work. We need some strong hand to pull us out of the predicament we have gotten into.

Psalms 40:2

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Everything we neglect will eventually leave our system. Knowledge, health, fitness, prayer.

We don't want others to succeed at where we fail. Verily I often experience this jealousy and bitterness when I have been outperformed.

Right now, at the phase of my life where choosing an occupation is becoming more pressed, I think that I want to work in a field that invests in people. After all, that is what God did, where Christ found it worth laying down His life in the hope of redeeming humans.

To upkeep my literacy, I will journal fervently and then translate it into pixels here.

Who do I write to impress, I now wonder.

9 months have culminated in this single day. I really like this shot because it captures our strength and excitement and the colour makes it pretty classic.

My days in OCS were eventful and I savour all of it, even if some of the episodes that took place infuriated me. I've been frustrated, and I've frustrated others, and most times I mostly felt pent-up anxiety, rage etc.

But towards the end, my head grew clearer and I both appreciated the value of what we were training for and enjoyed it at the same time.

I'm not sure where else in our community, can young men of our temperament be kept together and made to behave as a highly cohesive, intelligent unit.

I've gone through a reversal in opinion and belief, about the army and about National Service.

Who says we waste our years in the military?

National Service is important and it's what conditions childish males into strong young men who now have a seriousness and mission-oriented attitude.

At this point, I will taper off, because what I want to say doesn't come at all-

It's pretty awesome to look back and realize that 9 months have been put away where even when there were no posts, a lot of things did happen between the rare entries I made here.

My attempts to produce my thoughts coherently and currently here have been frail and now that I've progressed so much and will move on, now I'm thinking that maybe I should have wrote a little more down.

The next phase will be pretty different and I'm toying with an extreme idea to shake up my life and make it less rosy. All I need now is more grit and doggedness, strong companions and the permission of the OC. Gotta prove to myself that I can go the distance.

There must be no allowance for regret in our short time on earth.

I have had so many great friends in this time, and I'm thankful for each one of them.

But it's noted that everyone of us has some strange quirk that pisses each other off.

Even so, we are a strong team that's been through a pretty decent amount of hammering and good fun.

I have stored up a big amount of love for these people. It's a bit sore to think that we'll be dispersed all over the land come Monday.

What God needs from me, is the consent to fully displace my self and my focus on my own person and fill it with His renewing Spirit.

Maybe it's because I missed out on the reunion dinner, or some component of the formula that makes up my new year is missing-this feels less festive and even less familial.

I cannot help comparing with the previous year, and find that I prefer the way I hit the gym on the EVE, instead of the long march this time. Last year, I was also highly amused by my first uncle, who is away to Malaysia this time round.

There was no alchohol this year, neither for me or my father which is a blessed big change.

I eat much less now, and I have less enthusiasm about so many things.
I'm more affected by the length of the journey and the afternoon sun, that is a common association with the Lunar New Year.

I have more in common with my cousin, who is now a recce officer, and we've talked more this time, probably than the other years combined.

I've been reading less and less of God's word, but now I find even more greatly important, I must be in touch with His living Word, which ministers to my spirit.

Faith cometh by hearing, and the gift of faith is spread by us believers telling others about Jesus. Good news must not be stowed away, but displayed and made known to all.
We are meant to disclose what is hidden.

It's a Song Leng characteristic to revert to being ungrateful and hard-hearted after being the recipient of God's grace and blessing.
I'm starkly aware that this is my lousy reaction to His mercy and I've got to change.

I look to be renewed daily and be re-aligned in Christ.

This new year looks promising and I hope that I will grow in the correct direction and become the kind of person, believer and Officer that I am to be.

I Will Sing of My Redeemer.

Reviewing 2009

I leaped from being a student to being a temporary bum and then to being a full-time soldier. Life, especially as a cadet is wholly different.

My usual life is now a subset of my time as an officer cadet, and the leisure activities I could spread over at least one week have to be compressed into 2 days.

I look to lift weights, to meet friends, to attend service-to loaf and play like an animal with no leash.

I want the power of making my own meals again and not have the same repetitive sets doled out to us week after week.

I've understood myself more greatly over the course of the year and my course. I do love and think highly of myself, but my blatant weaknesses and illnesses are not invisible, even to my own person.

I am vain, and part of my pursuit of fitness is not just for longevity and the feel-good from purposeful exertion, but for aesthetic reasons.Even then, there isn't much allowance any more for me to upkeep this.
What a shame.

I believe that I am the greatest/mightiest/smartest in whatever setting.
But in sober moments, I am aware that I'm moved to give in/up and tread the soft option when challenges become larger than my coping ability.

One thing that I was right about the present, re-viewing my review of the year 2008, I did miss all those things that I listed, and I have lived through my bare expectations of the military, which are even more acute and less pleasant then I thought.

I have felt absolute hopelessness in the year;
I have felt genuine strength from the joy of the LORD and it is one of the most beautiful and wonderful feelings ever;
My life was in considerable danger many times over;
My body felt like it would crumble;
I have felt genuine love for my friends;
I have traveled to a nasty dark place (The Bruneian Jungle) and a considerably better place (Taipei City);
I have manned up.

All in all there was, although not always perceivable growth and I am grateful to God's interference and sustenance.

Seizing some time to express myself in this place.
I pride myself in being eloquent and full of wit, and thus, have had difficulty in beginning to write because I find it hard to match the standard I once had.

But I have been jumpstarted by the blog of a particular someone I've visited on occasion, and this made me want to review the past year.

The first portion of the year was the most relaxed time of my life, that I failed to identify and utilize. So many days where I could grow and in big leaps, built a sturdy foundation in the Word and also in fitness.

The next part was when I became a soldier.
It was an absolute change, from being a refined academic to a raw recruit and then an officer cadet. I've learnt and endured much and will continue to do so.
I find it remarkable that in a span of 6 months, I've visited 2 countries and fought in a manner that the many people I share my life with cannot begin to imagine.

I find it hard to translate the actuality and value of what we do, to my friends and have them understand, and appreciate the effort that is required from us on our missions.

I've met new friends who have probably been so knitted to myself that it might have been that we've covalently bonded.

We've had so much thrills, upsets and common experience that I've come to depend on them for cheer and maintenance of sanity.

God's grace and blessings were not always noticed by my short-sightedness, and God's presence, driven away by my folly, mistakes and laziness was never far away.

Despite my numerous inadequacies, I cling to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us, but make us perfect in His love.