This weekend, I have had more time. Not that I utilize it wisely, to either get more rest or to realign myself for the following one, but it allows more time outside of the working environment and better food in both taste, nutrition and variety.

I saw a girl that I was crazy about some years back and it almost did not register that I knew who she was. I recall that I had approached her badly and it's something that on rare occasions that my mind can afford to wander that I remember.

Seeing this instigated me to reflect; (and with a little prompting from Hakim) how am I different now. The reflection is not complete, but I'm raring to show, or re-present the new Man that I hope I am getting to be, to people from my past.

I feel that everybody functions on a squeeze-balls reflex. We only move and work only when our balls are squeezed. There is no longer any initiative or self-motivating.

It's only a line/hierarchy/chain of balls squeezing.

I feel more acutely that the 200 over young men I am housing and having my command team train will re-enter the community as the sum of the experiences that we create.

I must think about ours, and especially my impact and influence over them.

Are we making better men, or spoiling them?

I like soldiering and I am for the idea of a defence force. Not just for the obvious reasons of deterrence, but also the fact that the experience, or according to some-ordeal makes us grow up fast. For the most of those who are willing to take the hard parts, National Service is a man-maker.

There is a perceivable difference in men who have served and trained. They are more hardened, less frivolous, and better under pain or pressure.

I think that what it takes to be a man, is taking up responsibility and endurance.

We are made better and are proven stronger after suffering hardship.

Why we serve: our defence force is one of the main reasons our country has such stability.

I suspect our neighbours may not take us seriously without the presence of our army.

I have thought and talked about this with my friend, and I am not surprised, but also slightly wistful that our own people do not have the amount of support for National Service that would add more purpose, commitment and strength to our soldiers.

There is less dedication if we do not understand and accept/acknowledge, let alone believe in what we do daily.

Our workload and environment may suck, but it is necessary.

I don't like to communicate with the use of curse-words.

There should be a better way than this to get across to thick-heads that I am furious, I want immediate action and that there's promise of violence if I don't get what I want.

I feel that I must practise a clear level temperament even if I'm getting mad, because I think better, consider more about the effect/impact of my potential outburst.

I am told to be and slow to anger.

Further Reflections:
James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to be angry.

We should be receptive to what others say and give weight to their opinion. It's a good way to show that we value people and take their ideas seriously.

We have to weigh our words cautiously and make sure that it does not harm or mar the growth of a person. We are to edify our friends and not tear them down.

In giving in to rage, I become volatile, impulsive and make moves that hurt relationships and judgements that are too unforgiving.




A young officer must make up for his lack of experience with knowledge.

He must be fit and able to keep at his job ahead of his command team and soldiers even while they slow from weariness.

He must have the compulsion to keep at his task with high energy and to reflect on himself.
Has he let his people down, and has he let himself down?

When in command and with responsibility, can I assume what I do is sufficient or must I question and re-measure myself?

Look into yourself:

I am in a reflecting mood, especially since I have asked the people I lead to reflect on themselves.

I've been thinking and going off track all this while.
I do not think I am sufficient to enough for a mature, serious relationship.
I must learn responsibility first and be accountable for my decisions and behaviour.
I must learn to love others at great cost to myself.

Jesus taught in John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

A relationship is more than investment of emotion, time and money for good returns.
I believe it is the joining of two persons, soul and more together.

If I am hasty and I do not think and take this seriously, I will not do justice to a perfectly nice girl.

With wasting time on temporary flings, I have neither the nerves or the youth to do them again.

Keeping a blog documents growth and allows me to see how foolish, childish I was or what I was doing and thinking at any phase in my past.

I find it really fascinating when the posts in made in pique can trigger a pretty accurate recall of the situation then, and how I felt. These are things that I forgot to remember, things that made up the good years before I was soldiering.

Difficult as it is to write, I will still do so, because it will capture the feeling and thoughts I have at this point in time and reflect it to my future self who will view everything as an aid to remember.

Today I woke early, with a forcible removal from a really lovely dream. I was putting my lips to kiss a special lady during an elevator ride, and only the texture of her lip reminded me within the dream that it was not thoroughly as real as I'd like.

This leads me to examine the probability of this incidence. I believe it is low at this point.

Why I am reluctant to enter casually into a relationship even though I'm pining for a romance is because it isn't something to be taken lightly.

The relationship, no matter where it leads will irreversibly change both persons. It will mess with the heads of both persons especially if it ends badly.

Having strong feelings or affections for a girl is not good enough reason to get together. A relationship that is good and healthy and godly must be centred on Christ, have a good foundation, promising beneficial growth for both persons.

I refuse to waste time in short-term flings that have no potential to last the entire distance, that affects my heart and mind and that of the hypothetical hers. Some people say that having such poor imitations of a fulfilling relationship is experience.
I hardly think so.

Hence I am cautious because I have learnt that I cannot trust myself.
Will I treat a girl properly, rightfully? Will I be able to love her in increasing; will I in anger and self-centredness not bruise her with speech and disposition?

*

It is a struggle to break into the rhythm of exercise, but once I've gotten started, I want to accelerate and do more faster.

This week, I have masterfully managed to nap and then lift the weights in my precious Saturday while having not met any friends or cleaned my belongings.

SNATCH-GRIP DEADLIFT;
BENCH PRESS;
GOBLET SQUAT;
T-BAR ROW

These and a good, big meal plus coffee will improve the sixth day of the week.

*

I cannot see what is ahead of me because I am so short-sighted and am unable to see beyond myself. I do not know what the world will be like, I do not know the growth that i will go through in another 5 years, but I pray that Christ is in it; that my friends and family will remain close, or become even closer then.

I would very much like to close my eyes and imagine that things are sweet, but this is not how I will choose to get by.

Having just watched Smallville Season 10, I would like the outpour of affection from one heart to the other, but again, the probability is low. I re-watch the drama to satiate my inbuilt program that craves romantic fulfillment.

What I would like:

Basic Airborne Course

A Foam Roller

Painless Hip/ Glute, full mobility

A New Boss
Big Transformation

What was used for sin and shame can be used for goodness and the glorifying of the One true God.

It has been difficult to be Christian, or to conduct myself like one in a military setting, but I can hardly blame my circumstances for my neglect of prayer and Word, but instead accept that the faults have purely been my own.

I have forgotten to love, and to value what I set out to, and also allowed the good parts of my person to die out of neglect and poor feeding.

It took Mr. Ong's mentoring and reminding about the seasonal changes and growth that I would go through, as well as some encouraging from assorted persons.

Is there still any trace of Christ left in me? Us disciples must carry the marks of our Master.

As co-heirs with Christ, we share in His sufferings that we may share in His great joy and glory at the end of all of it.

It is a painful reluctant climb back to obedience.

Worldliness is just never enough.

May God's patience and mercy never wear out with a recalcitrant like me but instead give my entire life a thorough overhaul, teaching me to love and respect people and to worship Him in spirit and in truth.

Another batch of people have passed out under me, and this time my extent of influence is huger. This time I wonder, what is the effect I have on these young men.

Will there be praise won for my Father in heaven because of any good work, or would there be a failure to recognize Christ in any bit of me.

Stomach for God's Word

Training Soldiers;

The past week, I saw the first batch of young people that I was responsible for complete the very first phase of their military training and it sobered me by both remembering 1) how fast time passes away, and 2) how influential commanders are.

I have a stake in every of these young men that have passed through me and I can mostly hope that I've been as positive as possible.

It is only now that I learn the degree of my role, I was not prepared sufficiently to be responsible for people. It also reinforced my knowledge that every individual is precious and worth a great deal to me to my Heavenly Father.

To my special 42:
I am sure that you are quality products and my command group has done a great job with you.
My wish for you is that you will have a positive National Service like I am having.

A good day with a good friend;

Managed to catch Toy Story 3 with Megan. It was a good movie, because I used to play with toys like that when I was smaller.

It dealt with growth-growing older and out-growing things of old.
1 Corinthians 13:11 - "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

I probably have taken the verse out of its context where Paul was talking about unfailing love.

The story connected with me, because I am like Andy in so many aspects and I had always wished my toys would come alive and play with me, and love me, and obey me when I ask them to behave in a certain way.

I want all of them to be free and independent, but willing to defer to my directions when I set them up in the imaginary setting I thought up.

I found that God instead has been so gracious to give us our autonomy and also the freedom to go over to His side. To Him, we are so much more than toys or playthings, and He has so much good and love for us because He made us and watched us grow and has the big picture.

He has such a big stake in us and He took us so seriously, willing to do extraordinary things to woo us.

Well, I am also pleased that I have managed to convert Megan, or rather have her come over to the idea that not all cartoons are stupid. The film had some value, I thought.

It was a good day overall.

Have been worked on by God;

Roland and Joyce's wedding re-wrought in me the correct idea of a Christian union and also made me re-examine our marriage to Christ.

We are the body of Christ, and He is our Head. We cannot live disconnected away from Him or His leadership.

I feel more willing to call Christ my King, because I've always been comfortable in serving a reliable leader and I am willing to learn to submit. It will however, take a whole life to do so.

Christ diverted God's wrath from falling on us and instead took it all upon Himself.

Have come off a session of reflection and reading the Word, and have been reminded and convicted of so many things.

My sin was that I have always tried to peel God away from me and limit His effects and workings on my person.

I forgot to consider the thoughts of the One whom I call my King when I ate, and when I spoke.
I need even more deeply, an understanding of my sin, which will give me an understanding of God's Grace and Love, and a deep fondness and appreciation for His Son.

I must glorify God and put Him at His rightful Highest place; not only praise Him on occasion with song, but remember and honour Him constantly. Cue: Jesus must take the Highest Honour...

I must control the substances entering my mind space. I watched Desperate Housewives and Drop Dead Diva yesterday and thought nothing of them, even when I wrestled with myself whether or not to give in to some form of entertainment.

But today I realized that there were a lot of wrongness reflected in the show that was put across to us. It featured adultery, a loose view on divorce, a flexible measure of justice, fornication, irresponsible parenting, dishonesty.

While the shows tried to dish off some good (caution against the acceptability of cheating), it slipped in all the other vices and desensitized us to their abhorrence.

C.S. Lewis was right when he said entertainment was a lousy plug for the our leaking joy.

My loud cry would be for God not to let us alone, but be about and in us.
Another stray thought: Not just not commit, but also not abet sin.

Because I profess faith in Christ, I must value what He values greatly: people.

Faith expressing itself through Love

I have been looking to the wrong sort of things to fuel me in my daily labours.
I have been drawing relief, entertainment from the wrong material, and I am sure that this has marred my capacity to love.

I am aware that my care and concern for others is severely reduced when I shift the focus to pleasing myself.

My inclination to love is almost gone because by my own effort, without the Spirit, it is not sufficient.

(Whilst recording my growing understanding of God's wise things, I do hope that this material may be beneficial for others who might read what I write. )

GOAL: To Be a Christian Young Man. [End Objective.]

Specifics:
Bearing influence and characteristics of Christ Jesus and to be changed continually by Him.

How:
To love and obey Christ's teachings and commandments, living them out in daily life.

This was the object of the Boys' Brigade which I'm sure the Founder had hoped that all of us would continue bearing, even after we are no longer Boys.
I'm a little surprised that it only came to me now, when I've been so long apart from the BB.

A few years and even just months could bring about a stupendous shift in paradigm.

Sometime last year, I was angered and slightly vengeful about the trend of Christianity and how we try to give it modern characteristics so that it may be suitable and palatable for the world now.

I've grown tamer since then, and now no longer enter into argument or conflict but would prefer to wait for God's redeeming, overcoming love to work.

Our job is to deliver the gospel, plant the seed of truth and then become witnesses to how God powerfully grows us all into His firstfruits.

We must take heed from His Spirit, and follow God's pace, rhythm.
Keep in Step with the Spirit.

With the examples of so many before us, I am clearly aware of how imperfect we are, but how powerfully God uses us when we are obedient.

The Adventures of Song Kim and Ha Leng

Once literacy comes, there is no ebbing of the flow. My wit and writing are bursting- even the stale topics can seem colourful with my regained ability.

I will reiterate that looking at pretty girls incite me to run. They make me want to feel the same rush of being fast and taking on a purpose with no stop.

I will need to see more, and then move more, because I am in a fat mode as of now.

Today, after service, caught up with Mei Yi at Starbucks, where an Iced Caramel Macchiato did the trick, serving to rouse me and act as a necessary coolant. We chatted rather pleasantly and it's good to have seen an old face which is fresh compared to the tempo of my daily living.

After that, I linked up with my beloved Hakim and we moved on foot to Changi General Hospital to visit the urinals. They were in excellent working condition.

Got to Parkway and browsed through the military history section; I've been intrigued by this genre of late. This coincides with how I'm toying with the idea to have a short military career currently.

Had an intake of ill-meaning calories with a Zinger Meal and a subsequent Carl's Junior dinner. I rationalize this with the fact that I would be kept in along with my recruits for 2 weeks and more.

"To trust in my God, who will make my paths clear and straight"

I Belong to the Boys' Brigade in Singapore

It feels both good and also a bit saddening while lending the archiving power of Facebook to look through the current photos of my juniors.

Looking at Bennett and 14th's pictures of events that took place after I left, events that mattered to me while I was in their shoes (Passing Out Parades, Adventure Quest, Teaching and Training Recruits, Founder' Badge Presentation...), I feel like I've missed out a great deal.

I cannot bear to reminisce, because it somewhat pains me, because it is a closed chapter of our shared history, and now that we are all over the place, we cannot put it back together because we are apart.

How do I feel- Looking at people I've taught and imprinted on cheers and sobers me.

It sobers me because I realize that in a leading, teaching role, you can influence the younger generation to a sizeable extent. I can also claim a little credit for their growth.

My best moments in BB was coaching Kah Kee and seeing the BB Relay Team win Silver and seeing their pleased faces and rejoicing at having accomplished something unprecedented, that we could not do in our time. I was so proud of these people that shared my passion and my drive. Granted, they were infected by my lapse in mental stability.

Now, another lovely moment, is seeing the Secondary One recruits receiving the Founder's Badge, which was a big thing for me then. A lot has happened between now and then, and I'm saddened to have missed all of it.

I was sorely mistaken to ever think that the BB was irrelevant or was not sufficient and effective in reach. BB values youth and begins to work with and work in young men. It still has a place in a community where the Boys and Girls still will do well with some proper guidance.

Not just Christian values and virtues, but the mixture of purposeful fun and the teaching of leadership, responsibility and so many other intangibles.

*

On this thread of being reminiscent and nostalgic;

Rocky is a really good classic. I love it that the underdog gets to win, because us common folk are by default, unfavoured underdogs. It celebrates doggedness, grit and epitomizes the SAF core value, Fighting Spirit.

We probably should air the clip of Rocky Balboa's training montages in the Values lesson to make the point more sensible.

Fighting spirit is an important attribute that most of us lack and have poor concept of prior to the military. Possibly competitive athletes and testosterone-charged males may contain some small trace amounts of the quality.

But I really like the series and the philosophy, that life always tries to knock you down, and in the end, its about how much you can get hit and still keep moving forward.

I would think that ladies will never get why something as dull, dusty and abstract as metal, heavy bag and the boxing ring can attract male attention for such a long period.

APRIL 01

These weeks, I've been graced with some time to think and reflect and to have my listless mind drift in as many directions.

I've thought of several things which came to me, whilst my journal and pen were on my lap.

Most are not new, but just strands of thought that I'm throwing my belief behind.

First, I firmly believe men need ruling, although some might attempt to refine this with another word called "governance". Otherwise, we would slacken and become unruly, disorganized and non-motile.

We often want people to leave us alone, but really, we do want companionship but we simply want free rein in living our lives, with no one to judge and rebuke our behaviour.

We are all compulsive sinners - hopeless addicts until we have been graced with mercy and redeemed with Jesus' saving power. We need external help, an infusion of strength to overcome our inherent love for wickedness.

If we are stuck chest-deep or chin-deep in quicksand, no amount of flailing will work. We need some strong hand to pull us out of the predicament we have gotten into.

Psalms 40:2

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

Everything we neglect will eventually leave our system. Knowledge, health, fitness, prayer.

We don't want others to succeed at where we fail. Verily I often experience this jealousy and bitterness when I have been outperformed.

Right now, at the phase of my life where choosing an occupation is becoming more pressed, I think that I want to work in a field that invests in people. After all, that is what God did, where Christ found it worth laying down His life in the hope of redeeming humans.

To upkeep my literacy, I will journal fervently and then translate it into pixels here.

Who do I write to impress, I now wonder.

9 months have culminated in this single day. I really like this shot because it captures our strength and excitement and the colour makes it pretty classic.

My days in OCS were eventful and I savour all of it, even if some of the episodes that took place infuriated me. I've been frustrated, and I've frustrated others, and most times I mostly felt pent-up anxiety, rage etc.

But towards the end, my head grew clearer and I both appreciated the value of what we were training for and enjoyed it at the same time.

I'm not sure where else in our community, can young men of our temperament be kept together and made to behave as a highly cohesive, intelligent unit.

I've gone through a reversal in opinion and belief, about the army and about National Service.

Who says we waste our years in the military?

National Service is important and it's what conditions childish males into strong young men who now have a seriousness and mission-oriented attitude.

At this point, I will taper off, because what I want to say doesn't come at all-

It's pretty awesome to look back and realize that 9 months have been put away where even when there were no posts, a lot of things did happen between the rare entries I made here.

My attempts to produce my thoughts coherently and currently here have been frail and now that I've progressed so much and will move on, now I'm thinking that maybe I should have wrote a little more down.

The next phase will be pretty different and I'm toying with an extreme idea to shake up my life and make it less rosy. All I need now is more grit and doggedness, strong companions and the permission of the OC. Gotta prove to myself that I can go the distance.

There must be no allowance for regret in our short time on earth.

I have had so many great friends in this time, and I'm thankful for each one of them.

But it's noted that everyone of us has some strange quirk that pisses each other off.

Even so, we are a strong team that's been through a pretty decent amount of hammering and good fun.

I have stored up a big amount of love for these people. It's a bit sore to think that we'll be dispersed all over the land come Monday.

What God needs from me, is the consent to fully displace my self and my focus on my own person and fill it with His renewing Spirit.

Maybe it's because I missed out on the reunion dinner, or some component of the formula that makes up my new year is missing-this feels less festive and even less familial.

I cannot help comparing with the previous year, and find that I prefer the way I hit the gym on the EVE, instead of the long march this time. Last year, I was also highly amused by my first uncle, who is away to Malaysia this time round.

There was no alchohol this year, neither for me or my father which is a blessed big change.

I eat much less now, and I have less enthusiasm about so many things.
I'm more affected by the length of the journey and the afternoon sun, that is a common association with the Lunar New Year.

I have more in common with my cousin, who is now a recce officer, and we've talked more this time, probably than the other years combined.

I've been reading less and less of God's word, but now I find even more greatly important, I must be in touch with His living Word, which ministers to my spirit.

Faith cometh by hearing, and the gift of faith is spread by us believers telling others about Jesus. Good news must not be stowed away, but displayed and made known to all.
We are meant to disclose what is hidden.

It's a Song Leng characteristic to revert to being ungrateful and hard-hearted after being the recipient of God's grace and blessing.
I'm starkly aware that this is my lousy reaction to His mercy and I've got to change.

I look to be renewed daily and be re-aligned in Christ.

This new year looks promising and I hope that I will grow in the correct direction and become the kind of person, believer and Officer that I am to be.

I Will Sing of My Redeemer.

Reviewing 2009

I leaped from being a student to being a temporary bum and then to being a full-time soldier. Life, especially as a cadet is wholly different.

My usual life is now a subset of my time as an officer cadet, and the leisure activities I could spread over at least one week have to be compressed into 2 days.

I look to lift weights, to meet friends, to attend service-to loaf and play like an animal with no leash.

I want the power of making my own meals again and not have the same repetitive sets doled out to us week after week.

I've understood myself more greatly over the course of the year and my course. I do love and think highly of myself, but my blatant weaknesses and illnesses are not invisible, even to my own person.

I am vain, and part of my pursuit of fitness is not just for longevity and the feel-good from purposeful exertion, but for aesthetic reasons.Even then, there isn't much allowance any more for me to upkeep this.
What a shame.

I believe that I am the greatest/mightiest/smartest in whatever setting.
But in sober moments, I am aware that I'm moved to give in/up and tread the soft option when challenges become larger than my coping ability.

One thing that I was right about the present, re-viewing my review of the year 2008, I did miss all those things that I listed, and I have lived through my bare expectations of the military, which are even more acute and less pleasant then I thought.

I have felt absolute hopelessness in the year;
I have felt genuine strength from the joy of the LORD and it is one of the most beautiful and wonderful feelings ever;
My life was in considerable danger many times over;
My body felt like it would crumble;
I have felt genuine love for my friends;
I have traveled to a nasty dark place (The Bruneian Jungle) and a considerably better place (Taipei City);
I have manned up.

All in all there was, although not always perceivable growth and I am grateful to God's interference and sustenance.

Seizing some time to express myself in this place.
I pride myself in being eloquent and full of wit, and thus, have had difficulty in beginning to write because I find it hard to match the standard I once had.

But I have been jumpstarted by the blog of a particular someone I've visited on occasion, and this made me want to review the past year.

The first portion of the year was the most relaxed time of my life, that I failed to identify and utilize. So many days where I could grow and in big leaps, built a sturdy foundation in the Word and also in fitness.

The next part was when I became a soldier.
It was an absolute change, from being a refined academic to a raw recruit and then an officer cadet. I've learnt and endured much and will continue to do so.
I find it remarkable that in a span of 6 months, I've visited 2 countries and fought in a manner that the many people I share my life with cannot begin to imagine.

I find it hard to translate the actuality and value of what we do, to my friends and have them understand, and appreciate the effort that is required from us on our missions.

I've met new friends who have probably been so knitted to myself that it might have been that we've covalently bonded.

We've had so much thrills, upsets and common experience that I've come to depend on them for cheer and maintenance of sanity.

God's grace and blessings were not always noticed by my short-sightedness, and God's presence, driven away by my folly, mistakes and laziness was never far away.

Despite my numerous inadequacies, I cling to His promise that He will never leave or forsake us, but make us perfect in His love.

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.